BLOODY MARVELLOUS!

A couple of days ago I went to a funeral. I have never been so glad that someone had died in my life, well apart from Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao and Barbara Cartland (It was wrong to let her go on looking like that!) I know it seems like a horrible thing to say, but I have my reasons. You see I was In Tana Toraja on the Island of Sulawesi which is famous for its traditional funerals. Its the whole reason people go there, so I guest I'm not the only person who has been there and was glad that someone died. In fact it was 2 peoples funeral, two brothers and actually they hadn't just died, they have been dead for two years. In Tana Toraja it is tradition to mummify the bodies and keep them in the family house until all the members of the family can be gathered together for the funeral. This means that bodies can lay in the house for a couple of years. I heard that one body was kept in the house for over 20 years until it could be buried ( I guest its a good way to get the kids to leave home early as no self respecting teenager is going to want to sleep next to their mummified Grandad!) So off we went, first to local market where you can pick up a live pig on a stick or a full grown buffalo to go and then to the local village where the houses are shaped like boats to see the funeral procession. It was unlike any other funeral I have ever been to. Yes people wear black but that's where thesimilarities end. Everyone is happy, singing and drinking palm wine. No one is sad. It is one big party, with free food like pork, spinach and chilli's instead of tea and crap sandwiches. To top it all off you get buffalo fighting as entertainment. I wish funerals were like this in Britain. Actually I might put it in my will to have my funeral, Tana Torja style, but without the mummified stuff and waiting around for years to be buried, as that's just creepy. The funerals usually last for 5 days with gifts being brought on day 2 and 3 and the actual burial on the 5Th day. We returned on the 4th day again as that was the day Jan most wanted to photograph. It was slaughter day! One of the most common gifts are buffalo's and pigs which are then slaughtered and given to the local villagers for a banquet. Yousef told us that 20 buffalo's were to be slaughtered that day. It was something that i was not really looking forward to seeing, but then I thought, I bloody eat meat and don't really think how it gets on to my plate, its not like the sodding fairies bring it. It was time to see reality, and not some prepackaged crap on a Tesco shelf. I will tell you now it was not for the faint hearted or vegetarians. There was more blood than a Tarantino movie, but instead of feeling repulsed or sick I was totally absorbed. Ever buffalo that came up and then had it's throat slit I watched with the interest until a strange disappointment came over me that there was no more, when it ended. I guest I must be quiet a bloodthirsty person inside.
Oh lord I have sinned, well I haven't, it was Jan but he also made me party to it. It all started when we were back in Makkasar and he received an email from a small company who needed promotion photo's of makkasar for holiday tours. Jan when off straight away taking photo's. He returned a few hours later with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to tell me that he had ended up at five star hotel and asked to photograph the pool for a magazine. The next thing he knew the manager was called down to speak to him. He asked him what magazine Jan was working for and the first thing that came into his head was "Travel Asia." (only the biggest bloody travel mag in Asia) The manager was delighted and showed him round the hotel himself and asked if he wanted to come back in the evening to photograph some more. He dragged me along this time and I cringed as Jan was giving out all this crap about his assignment. Then to make things worse the Manager invited us to a free, 3 course meal. I could of died! Jan of course maxed it and ordered fish and king prawns and drink after drink. I just felt like a fraud, but I ate the free meal all the same and drank the drinks. well it would be stupid not to. Whats that saying, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
We are now back in Bali, in Kuta or as I like to call it "shit hole." Its full of drunken teenagers and chav's, with locals who hound you all the time to buy some crap or another. We leave tomorrow for Oz and I can't wait, which is a shit way to end Indonesia as I have bloody loved it here, its just that Kuta is not the real Indonesia. I will be back, still got so much to see of the country, but that is for another adventure.

OBSERVATIONS

* Jan nearly got stoned to death by a local after he refused to buy what she was selling, so she threw a rock at him. He said she was just plain crazy but knowing him he probably said something offensive to her.

* Jan is better at lying than I thought. Should I be worried!

* All the locals say "Hello Mr" to you all the time. I have given up trying to tell them its "Miss!" as its just to dam tiring!

* The tan is fading as it has rained non stop for the last three days.

* I have found a cheap bottle of gin and got some tonic. It should take my mind off the weather.