I love my family; I really do, but God they drive me nuts! The reason for this cannot be clearly defined, as there seem to be more than one, as I found out last week, as I finally journeyed north for a visit, after being continually berated, on how Shit I was as a daughter as I'd only been home once this year. I did point out I'd spent most of the year out of the country rather than in it. This still didn't seem to make any difference: I was still shit in their opinion. I shall now list why I it is impossible for me to spend long period's of time with the family without tearing by hair out.
1. Well let's start with the fact, that my mother and my Nanna Lil, seem to forget that I have actually lived away from home for nearly 12 years and I am capable of doing things for myself! Example
Lil: Do you want me to do your washing for you?
Me: No it's OK Lil, I'll do it myself.
Lil: But you won't know how to work the washing machine.
Me: Funnily enough Lil, I do this job called costume, where we use a thing called a washing machine every day, so I think I'll be able to handle it.
Lil: Don't be cheeky!
2. I am made to endure a marathon of crap telly. For a me working in crap television is enough, I don't want to watch it as well! It's starts with Home & Away, then Emmerdale, then Coronation Street, then maybe a bit of Eastenders depending on their mood and all this is finished off with I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. I knew I'd seen enough when I realised I'd been brainwashed and started to find Mark Wright, on I'm a Celeb attractive. The man is a thick Chav! Unfortunately this affliction since I have got back to London has not gone away and I find myself secretly looking at The Only way is Essex clips on You Tube to have a good perv at him! What the hell has happen to me?
3. The music! My family only seem to listen to local radio stations, which only have a playlist compromising of bad 80's and 90's songs. If I attempt to play any music of mine (ie something decent) I am met with the response " What's that rubbish your playing"?
Rubbish! Rubbish! Just because they have no taste in music!
4. I usually get roped into helping my mother and sister with their decoration and flower business. Now this does not bother me, the work aspect. It's the fact they I get covered in feathers and glitter in the process. I hate glitter and no one wants to get covered in feathers. I'm still finding glitter on my jumper now. I feel like bloody tinker bell!
5. It is impossible to have a lay in. You are usually woken by my mum shouting at my sister; my sister shouting at my mum; a dog jumping on me and licking my face; my sister coming in and shouting something nice like "Get up mong!"; my mum asking me if I want a drink or Nanna Lil wanting to know what I want for dinner that night (Why that is so important at eight in the morning when she has all day to ask me, I don't know why)?
6. The dog! Now I don't hate the dog. I love the dog, but a dog is meant to be a dog, not dressed in terrible clothes, with it's own wardrobe and treated like a baby. I am partially to blame for this, as it was my idea to get my sister one for her 30th due to the fact it was going to be a traumatic landmark birthday for her, which meant it would be for all of us. Mum and Paul were a bit opposed to the idea at first, but it's seems they are now just as bad as my sister in treating the dog as a child. You also can't leave anything lying around as the dog also functions like a vacuum cleaner and will hoover up anything in its path. This includes wine (actually all alcohol); tea; coffee; chocolate and as I found out, much to my horror, a whole chicken leg bone, which I managed only to prise half of it out of her mouth. Three days later I get a phone call from my sister to say the dog is in the vet's, maybe awaiting an operation and if she dies, it will be my fault! My fault! How is it my fault that the dog is stupid enough to consume something nearly bigger than itself. It's not like I forced it down her. All I did was put a chicken drum stick down for two seconds! Well you will be glad to know the dog did not die and is alive and well, still yapping a lot and still being abused by being dressed up in stupid clothing!
7. Nanna Lil and her boyfriend. Now I'm all up for older people having a love life, just not when I'm trying to watch the television and their sat on the sofa next to me. Lil is being a diva and playing hard to get, the boyfriend is like some love sick puppy and keeps trying to hug her and I'm trying to pretend that I'm not noticing anything going on by playing a game on my phone, as I can't watch the telly anymore as they have changed the programme to something they like, which is Midsummer Murders!!!!! Or maybe the real reason I have a problem with it, is because my 80 year old grandmother has a better love life than me! What is the world coming to?
I know that I sound like the most horrible person ever now, after what I have just wrote, but isn't the truth of the matter, that the people you love the most, do drive you insane and I do love my family more than anything else in the world. I just can't live with them.
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