LOCO

Now on my travels, I have been to some crazy places in my time. There was Bolivia were everyone just seems to like having a good old riot and throwing dynamite at each other in the street. Then there is Morocco where everyone just seems to be having an argument all the time. Panama, where they go round dressed as devils whipping each other and where a ex pat American told me that it was proven that it was the second most stupid place on earth. And then there is India! Actually don't get me started on India, it will be longer than War and Peace if I do! Of all these crazy places I do believe that Caye Caulker in Belize might just top all of them.

The plan was to get the bus from Tulum to Chetumal, then from there get the boat to Caye Caulker. Unfortunately in my carefree manner, I had told Olex that we didn't need to book the bus the day before, but I had forgotten that it was the holidays (I'm meant to be an experienced traveller!), so all the early buses were sold out and we had to wait 2 and a half hours in the bus station (Oophs)! By the time we got to Chetumal we had missed the last boat (Double Oophs)! The next boat wasn't till 3.00pm the next day! We heard that you could get another boat at 7.00am in the morning across the border in Corazal. We grabbed a local bus and met some fellow gringo's on it: Sean a Canadian director; Fol a French Canadian; Henrik from Germany; and Gerad another Canadian. After crossing the border, and being tried to be ripped off $200 pesos for trying to leave Mexico (I don't think so!) our now big group found ourselves in Corazal. The book described it as a quaint town by the sea which didn't have the sleaze of other border towns. What are they going on about? It was a shithole! From the moment we got there, we were accosted by crack heads and drunks! Even the dogs looked like they were on crack! We ended up in a guest house run by a Twainese guy called Bryon. Let's just say I'm surprised I didn't get bed bugs from my bed! Strangely the town only seem to have Chinese restaurants, so guess what? We ate Chinese in a crack head town in Belize (because that's what everyone does it Belize; isn't it)? Actually it was pretty darn good. We finished the night tasting the local beer and drinking rum, a great end to a strange but enjoyable day.

The next morning we a rose early to catch the boat. The boat would take 2 hours to get there. That normally won't bother me, but when the sea is that ruff and even the locals say it's the worse they have seen it, it's not great. We are all getting thrown around left right and centre. I was sat at the front of the boat with Sean, which was the worst, but I was feeling quite pleased with myself as I hadn't managed to get a wet ass like Sean who was sat there in misery complaining about it. My smugness didn't last long, as the next thing a big bag landed on me. At first I didn't think it was a bad thing until I could see something running from it straight on to me, all over my legs. What the hell is it? I thought? Then I freaked! Oh my God! It was a big bag of eggs and they had smashed and the yolk was running all over my trousers! I started to scream, because for those of you that don't know, as well as have a phobia of sandwiches, I also hate eggs too! Olex laughed hard as they knew this. Everyone else looked at me like I was some sort of freak. I spent the rest of the journey trying not to think about the fact that I had egg all over my trousers, which was very hard for me.

After another boat journey in which Sean got proposition by a local prostitute and asked if him, and the other boys would like to have a fun weekend with her and her other friends who consisted of names like Shaniqa and Little Kim, we finally made it to Caye Caulker and I found myself shacked up in a room with two young French Candian girls called Emile and Natascha. I felt it was time to leave my little threesome with Olex and give them some love land time. As we were all as hungry as hell, we decided it was time to get some food. Before we knew it we were hustled in to a bar with promises of free rum and cheap food by a local guy called Benidict. It soon turns out that Benidict is full of shit. This also proves to be a recurring theme on this island as most of the locals seem to talk shit, or as they like to call it: "Talk the talk baby!" I say this not in a horrible way. In fact it turns out to be most amusing, if not loco! Benidict has basically told us anything to get us to come and eat at his bar, and when we ask for it this the waiter looks shocked!
"Who told you, you could could have this offer?" he demands.
"Benidict" we reply
There then ensues a 10 minute argument between the waiter and Benidict on how he can't just say any old shit to get customers in. The waiter then goes to talk to the boss who is some fat guy sat in some sort of box with a window and a curtain which he just peers his head out of looking very pissed off and shakes his head a lot. In the end we get no dessert, but we get the free rum punch, which is shit anyway. Benidict tries to smooth things over through lunch by calling everyone "Baby" (even the guys) a lot and then saying I can get you smoke if you want it. This is just the taster of things to come on the island.

We all then head down to the Lazy Lizard which is a bar at the end of the island on the split. It's happy hour and we all know what that means: Party! The group has extended even more, as Olex have bumped into Tom and Elle and their friend Howard who they met at the airport in Cancun and Sean has befriended a Aussie girl called Sommer. Before we know it we are drunk on Panty Rippers ( Thats a drink if you must know!) and are acting outrageously at the bar. As it seems only to be the English left out of our group apart from Sommer we call ourselves team England ( bloody Brits abroad, hey)! We head back to the rest of the guys apartment for a party, with some some crazy Danes in toe who look like Gandalf with their beards (Can't remember how the hell we picked them up)? We end the night in I think the only nightclub on the island (If you can call it that?) which shows hardcore porn on the TV (very off putting when you are trying to order a rum and coke); consists of mainly pissed up locals, including the big fat boss from the restaurant earlier in the day; and has a pole in the middle of the dance floor that only the tourists embarrass themselves on by swinging round it thinking their strippers (What idiots I think, id never do that)? The night is finished off in style with Hendrik being nearly raped on the dance floor by a local girl who is dancing with him by rubbing her ass up and down his private area. Hendrik doesn't quite no what to do and after standing there for a minute or two, he decides to give her a thrust back. Just the one thrust though. He walks back to us all 5 minutes later looking a bit shell shocked and says, in the broadest German accent,
"Oh! I have a big dick now!", Which I believe was Hendrik's version of a hard on! It was time to leave.

The next day I awake to find blisters all over my hands and chest, and my fingers are red, swollen and very painful. I go and get some breakfast and find Sommer, at some shack with the locals. We get talking to the locals especially one guy called big Steve. As we are talking Alex and Oli rock up too.
"Oh! It's that little one with the big mouth from last night!" says big Steve. I automatically know who he means. Alex has only been on the island one day and she has make her mark with the locals! As we all sit there talking, I show big Steve my hands.
"Baby you need some aloe on them or maybe I could help you work them out. You come back to mine and I'll make them better!"
Olex are just laughing and I'm left open mouthed. You see, there is something wrong with the men on this island. They are like on heat or something. The night before I'd got asked for sex three times, especially by one guy that looked like Coolio, who asked me if I wanted
"A bit of bump and grind?"
"No" I lied, " I have a boyfriend!"
"It doesn't matter baby, he don't need a know bout bump and grind."
Seriously they are the most forward men in the world. Your walking down the street they ask you for sex; your buying something in a shop, they ask you for sex; they are driving down the street in a golf cart ( there are no cars on the island only bikes and golf carts, even the taxi's) they ask you for sex. Me and the rest of the girls even started to compare how many times we had been asked to have sex in a day. Basically the locals are loco. They sit and drink rum, argue with each other, even with dogs and even the police drive around in a golf cart, but with a siren on top!

I decided to go to the doctors, which of course was never going to be easy on this island. I turn up at 10.30 am to find a piece of paper on the door saying they will be back at 2.00pm. What! That's like the longest lunch hour ever! I return at 3.00pm to find much to my surprise it is actually open. A bored receptionist greets me with the same response she gives to everyone in a thick Caribbean accent!
"The doctors is free, the medicine is free. If you want, you give donation and put money in thee box. Sit down, wait your turn!"
She points to a box overflowing with notes. After an hour I go in a meet the smiling doctor. I show her my hands.
"Well it looks like you have had a bad reaction to something." No shit Sherlock I think. She then gives me a pile of tablets and cream; tells me to take one every 8 hours.
"Oh! And no drinking!" she says as I leave.
What! Sod that, I think. I later find myself that night with a rum and sprite in my hands and a few Panty Rippers. I'm on holiday I think.

I make the decision to leave the island and Olex and head back to Mexico with Flo and Hendrik. We spend our last day together with the group sunbathing on our own private pier and drinking beer while watching the sun go down. As I'm catching a boat at 7am in the morning and I'm on medication the sensible thing would have been to go and have an early night, but that would have been boring. So we once again found ourselves drinking way too much rum at the boys apartment again ( it was the party place). We ventured to the nightclub again after this. On my way there I bump into Coolio again as I seem to every night. It seems by now he has lost his charm of "Bump and Grind" and just walks up to me and says, "Let's f**k"! I tell him he's a very bad boy. As I walk away all I can hear is "Baby lets fuck, yeah!" I think he'd had one too many rums, but we all had by then. Alcohol does funny things to you, as you believe you can do anything once your on it. I believe it started with Jared, who as soon as we got into the club, turned into some sort of male pole dancing pro, by swinging round the pole. May I add I think he was the best of the night ( I think he has done this before)! Before I know it everyone is doing it and as I'm not one for missing out, I find myself swinging round the pole and posing in very strange positions. As I have a play suit on I feel I'm not baring anything, but in fact, the play suit doesn't cover me much normally, so when swinging round a pole with my legs in the air, I am actually exposing my ass to the entire club, which Oli proceeded to get photographic evidence of. 

The next day I wake early with a sore head and then meet Flo and Hendrik for the boat. As I'm sat on top of the boat with Hendrik being blown to death by the wind, Hendrik turns to me and says,
"Carly you drink so much. You crazy. You drink rum like its water. It's so ugly."
"Shut up Hendrik" I reply grumpily.
I was going to blame it on the island but I couldn't. Maybe that's why I liked it there, because it was Loco and that's the way I like things.