I've sank to a new low recently. I didn't think I could sink this low, but it just happened! I confess! I went out and purchased Fifty Shades of Grey!!!! For some one like me, who prides herself on her reading material, this is a grave sin indeed! You might think I sound arrogant or big headed, but I have never been a person that reads the usual chick flick tat that floods our shelves (Ok I read Grazia now and again but that's a magazine, so it doesn't count)! Give me D.B.C Pierre, Hilary Mantel, and Sebastian Faulks any day or a history chronicle, followed by a biography of a person that has made their mark on this world. Not bloody Jackie Collins or Jilly Cooper (though paragraphs from Riders is very good to read in a group when extremely drunk)! No! I read good stuff. I have never read rubbish!
Well that's not strictly true. I had a phase when I was a teenager, of reading a lot of Mills and Boom books given to me by my Nana Lil. Deep down inside,I knew they were trash, but I couldn't stop turning the pages. Why? Because they had sex in them! A 14 year old girl who is just discovering sex is like a sponge, she wants to know more; know everything of this new world that has been opened up to her, and books were the perfect way. I kept on reading more books (funnily most of them coming from Nana Lil), one of which was a little bit too eye opening and I had to go downstairs and tell my mother,
"Lil has given me this book and these two girls keep doing stuff to themselves with a hose pipe in it. Should I be reading this?"
I can't remember my mothers exact response, but it was probably somewhere between motherly shock and slight amusement, as she knew Lil was no normal grandmother.
It was around this time I had my first kiss. His name was Stew, but everyone called him "Pot head", which in reflection doesn't seem that great! But at the time he was cool, as he was older than me, being 18 and was in the sixth form and even though he didn't have a car, he could drive his mums so that was cool also (God 15 year olds are so easily pleased)! We were at my house, in my bedroom and we are sat on my bed. I'm pissed off with him because we had been sat downstairs for the last half an hour while Pot head has been talking none stop to my mum, even though I've asked him if he wants to go upstairs a hundred times but I'm ignored and left to watch Eastenders, while he continues chatting. I eventually get him up to my room, only for him to say,
"Your mum is lovely and really attractive!"
This is why I'm pissed off. By now he can tell this, as we he are sat on the bed in awkward silence. He grabs me and sticks his tounge down my throat; I can hear Eastenders and my brother and sister arguing downstairs; he tries to touch my breasts; I'm scared so slap his hands; and I'm doing this all eyes wide open wondering if he wishes it was my Mum he was kissing rather than me! This wasn't how it happened in the books! This is the thing! You slowly learn that the reality isn't quite like the books. There is no rich millionaire, dashing lord or exotic waiter called Fernando! No! They are usually are called Dave, Matt, or Andy and them whisking you away is probably a Curry night down at Weatherspoon's. Oh! and there usually isn't a happy ending. Yes! I have certainly learnt over the years, that the reality is never like the books. So why the hell did I find myself buying and reading some woman's fantasy novel, when I should know much better? I'm no 14 year old girl anymore.
Well I'm bored; I have no love life; it's meant to be naughty and quite frankly it being the biggest selling book ever, I want to know what the all the fuss is about. Oh God! I'm just like another million women out there!
I wish I'd never bothered, is the truth! So I'd heard it wasn't the best written book in the world, but was that a underestimate! It makes Jordan look like Charles Dickens. Actually a six year old could do better (is that the same as Jordan)? Honestly its the most badly written book I have ever read. It was off putting. Even though I realised this, after the first paragraph, I had to carry on. There had to be something to this book. Sexually naughty I was led to believe? Well maybe if your a sexually repressed middle aged woman who watches Loose Women, then this is the most exciting thing ever, if your not this reads as a bit more of sexed up Mills and Boom, but you get bored of it, as all they seem to do is have sex all the time (and I'd never thought id say that)! Oh but they have some kinky sex! What! He spanks hers! I bloody would do too. Anna the main character is so feeble and annoying I wanted to hit her, never mind him! And she keeps going on about her inner Goddess all the time. What the Hell is her inner Goddess, for me it was more like her inner moron!
As for Christian Grey, who is meant to be head of a muti-billion dollar empire, which I don't know how, as he spends most of his time walking round with his top off and stalking a girl in way that is not romantic, but freaky to the point that you would have a restraining order out on him. I tried. I Really did, but I didn't make it to the end. I think I have eighty pages left. I should want to know how it ends, but the truth is, I really couldn't give a dam. He can keep on being creepy, she can keep on talking about her inner Goddess and he can spank her till his hearts content! It's boring, stupid and about as sexually exciting as watching an episode of the antiques Road Show!
From now on I'll stick to Michael Fassbender movies and University Challenge for my excitement! Actually I'm definitely not like a million other women out there. Ha ha!
Well that's not strictly true. I had a phase when I was a teenager, of reading a lot of Mills and Boom books given to me by my Nana Lil. Deep down inside,I knew they were trash, but I couldn't stop turning the pages. Why? Because they had sex in them! A 14 year old girl who is just discovering sex is like a sponge, she wants to know more; know everything of this new world that has been opened up to her, and books were the perfect way. I kept on reading more books (funnily most of them coming from Nana Lil), one of which was a little bit too eye opening and I had to go downstairs and tell my mother,
"Lil has given me this book and these two girls keep doing stuff to themselves with a hose pipe in it. Should I be reading this?"
I can't remember my mothers exact response, but it was probably somewhere between motherly shock and slight amusement, as she knew Lil was no normal grandmother.
It was around this time I had my first kiss. His name was Stew, but everyone called him "Pot head", which in reflection doesn't seem that great! But at the time he was cool, as he was older than me, being 18 and was in the sixth form and even though he didn't have a car, he could drive his mums so that was cool also (God 15 year olds are so easily pleased)! We were at my house, in my bedroom and we are sat on my bed. I'm pissed off with him because we had been sat downstairs for the last half an hour while Pot head has been talking none stop to my mum, even though I've asked him if he wants to go upstairs a hundred times but I'm ignored and left to watch Eastenders, while he continues chatting. I eventually get him up to my room, only for him to say,
"Your mum is lovely and really attractive!"
This is why I'm pissed off. By now he can tell this, as we he are sat on the bed in awkward silence. He grabs me and sticks his tounge down my throat; I can hear Eastenders and my brother and sister arguing downstairs; he tries to touch my breasts; I'm scared so slap his hands; and I'm doing this all eyes wide open wondering if he wishes it was my Mum he was kissing rather than me! This wasn't how it happened in the books! This is the thing! You slowly learn that the reality isn't quite like the books. There is no rich millionaire, dashing lord or exotic waiter called Fernando! No! They are usually are called Dave, Matt, or Andy and them whisking you away is probably a Curry night down at Weatherspoon's. Oh! and there usually isn't a happy ending. Yes! I have certainly learnt over the years, that the reality is never like the books. So why the hell did I find myself buying and reading some woman's fantasy novel, when I should know much better? I'm no 14 year old girl anymore.
Well I'm bored; I have no love life; it's meant to be naughty and quite frankly it being the biggest selling book ever, I want to know what the all the fuss is about. Oh God! I'm just like another million women out there!
I wish I'd never bothered, is the truth! So I'd heard it wasn't the best written book in the world, but was that a underestimate! It makes Jordan look like Charles Dickens. Actually a six year old could do better (is that the same as Jordan)? Honestly its the most badly written book I have ever read. It was off putting. Even though I realised this, after the first paragraph, I had to carry on. There had to be something to this book. Sexually naughty I was led to believe? Well maybe if your a sexually repressed middle aged woman who watches Loose Women, then this is the most exciting thing ever, if your not this reads as a bit more of sexed up Mills and Boom, but you get bored of it, as all they seem to do is have sex all the time (and I'd never thought id say that)! Oh but they have some kinky sex! What! He spanks hers! I bloody would do too. Anna the main character is so feeble and annoying I wanted to hit her, never mind him! And she keeps going on about her inner Goddess all the time. What the Hell is her inner Goddess, for me it was more like her inner moron!
As for Christian Grey, who is meant to be head of a muti-billion dollar empire, which I don't know how, as he spends most of his time walking round with his top off and stalking a girl in way that is not romantic, but freaky to the point that you would have a restraining order out on him. I tried. I Really did, but I didn't make it to the end. I think I have eighty pages left. I should want to know how it ends, but the truth is, I really couldn't give a dam. He can keep on being creepy, she can keep on talking about her inner Goddess and he can spank her till his hearts content! It's boring, stupid and about as sexually exciting as watching an episode of the antiques Road Show!
From now on I'll stick to Michael Fassbender movies and University Challenge for my excitement! Actually I'm definitely not like a million other women out there. Ha ha!
No comments:
Post a Comment