I've seen the future people and I can tell you it's not bright, it's not even orange! It's just weird! How, you may ask! No! I haven't travelled to the future in a time machine or finally given in and let my fortune teller Aunt read my palms or do that crystal ball stuff she does (This isn't a lie, I actually do have a fortune teller Aunt who does it for a living in a seaside town on the east coast, like her mother did before her. Another quirk to add to the long list in my family)! No, it's none of these things. I got stuck in Dubai for 24 hours instead!
You know things are never going to go well, when you first turn up at the check in desk, only be told your flight is already an hour delayed. This wasn't good as my connecting flight time in Dubai was already tight. This was taking it down to the wire. "It's still possible though" I thought. Things were looking up though as I had a seat right at the front of the plane which meant extra leg room( which is always good for someone who is 5'10). It was also the prime viewing spot for what was about to unfold. I sat down next to a guy who was very friendly. It turned out he was going to Dubai to play rugby in a tournament out there. In fact his whole team were on the flight. Amazing! I realised after chatting away for a bit that the flight wasn't preparing to leave. Strange! Even stranger was the sudden amount of security guys suddenly on the plane. "Do planes normally have security guards on them?" I thought to myself. I then heard some commotion from the back and a thick Afrikans accent go "What da f**k have you done with my son! I F**king kill you! You hear me, F**king kill you!" The next thing a blurry eyed man was being dragged off the plane by a load of security, followed by an out of it spotty teenager. The pilot makes a announcement:
"I'm afraid we have to delay this flight due to, two intoxicated passengers who have to be removed due to violent behaviour. We will now do a personalised bag check for your own safety."
The whole plane of passengers groan, apart from the rugby guys who joke that they should of let them know and they could of rugby tackled the drunks out of the plane.
The pursor (the lead air hostess in charge of the plane) is stood in front of us using the phone looking extremely stressed. It's at this moment another hostess walks up to her and says,
"I'm really sorry but a passenger is really sick I think we might need to get an ambulance!"
The pursor goes white in fact I think she goes more than white. They then rush off to the back of the plane leaving me with no doubt now that my connecting flight in Dubai is now official screwed!
The pilot makes another announcement:
"Hello. So I'm really sorry but we now have a passenger that is really ill and we need to remove from the plane. We now have to do another personalised bag check!"
The passengers groan again apart from the English rugby team who are now asking for beers, to go along with the entertainment. To be fair I'm feeling that a stiff drink wouldn't go down too bad now. The ambulance comes and takes away the sick passenger. Finally we can take off! Actually no we can't! The pursor who looks like she has aged about 20 years in the last hour and half is stood in front me again about to announce down the phone "Prepare for take off cabin crew!" when another steward comes up to her:
"I'm so sorry, your not going to believe this!" And then whispers into her ear.
The pursors eyes widen in horror.
"Your joking me right? This is a joke? I can't believe this is happening!" And she storms off back down the plane, like she's having a nervous breakdown. The rugby team can't stop laughing at this point.
"This is better than in flight entertainment" the one next to be laughs. I am actually waiting for Jeremy Beadle to turn up and shout "You've been framed!" but I know that's not going to happen as he's dead. Besides they always say things come in threes. The pilot makes another announcement to say we have another problem and we will be delayed further. The groan this time is a little bit more subdued, as maybe people are resigned to their fate or they are just greatful that we don't have to do another personalised bag check. After what seemed like eternity the plane finally took off to great cheer and the rugby team finally got their beers (a lot of them in fact) and the rest of the flight passed without incident. I never did get to find out what the third problem was!
I landed in Dubai as expected: missing my connecting flight by over an hour. "No problem" I thought to myself "I will just catch the next one."
"The next flight to Tokyo is not until tomorrow" said the Emirates representive
"What!" I look at the clock on the wall its 9.30am. "I don't have anywhere to stay or any Dubai money!"
"It's OK. We will sort everything. Hotel, food, transport" they reply.
"Oh great" I say "Can I get my luggage?"
"No."
"What!" I'm dressed for the Japanese winter in a thick jumper, jeans, boots and a Barbour wax jacket. I look out the window at the dawning of another hot Dubai day which must of already hit the mid twenties. You win some, you lose some I guess.
I get herded into bus along with other unhappy holiday makers who seemed to have missed their flights also and dropped at a souless hotel near the airport and given a pick up time for the next day and coupons for food in hotel restaurant. It's all very depressing. Well a least I have a clean room to sleep in (even if it is dull) , as my eyes have started to go bloodshot with tiredness. I get a couple of hours sleep and then my traveller side takes over and I feel the need to go and explore a little even if it means venturing out in a jumper and jeans.
Dubai is a place I've never had any interest in visiting. A couple of decades ago it was nothing but desert until oil was found in the Emirates and the money started flowing in, and a city was founded at quite an alarming rate. This is what Dubai is: a city founded on modern money. I walk around. Everything is polished and new. It's all bling and marble. Marble which annoying makes my boots squeak every time I walk. There are fancy restaurants serving food from all over the world served by people who are from all over the world, working for the new cash that Dubai brings. There are air conditioned malls selling duty free goods that people buy but don't really need but buy anyway as its tax free. There are seven star hotels (I didn't even know there were seven star hotels: what the hell makes them seven star anyway?) and then there are the buildings, brash, new big and tall, in fact the tallest building in the world which looks like someone stuck a big sewing needle into the floor. Dubai sees itself as a city of the future, raised from nothing, designed for modern age with everything needed for comfort and pleasure. A global city with an international and diverse population. This is Dubai's problem though. It has no history, no culture and no community because no one ever lived there in the first place. It's souless. I walk around thinking that I'm in a revamped version of that film Logan's Run, with people living in a artificial world like Zombies. If this is the future well it's weird and well quite frankly I'm not interested in it. Give me a city anyday with dirt and grime, crumbling buildings and bad facilities. A least it will have some soul and life. The next morning after reaching the Emirates airport, which isn't a pleasant sight at 5am in the morning, as it is lit up like a 70's disco, with flashing lights, I finally get my flight to Tokyo. As we take off and fly away from the Dubai skyline, I see the worlds tallest building staring back at me through the clouds.
"Oh piss off!" I mutter under my breath. The man sat next to me shoots me a look. "He probably thinks I'm weird" I tell myself. "Well a least I'm not as weird as Dubai!" Next stop Tokyo.
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