BLOODY MARVELLOUS!

A couple of days ago I went to a funeral. I have never been so glad that someone had died in my life, well apart from Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao and Barbara Cartland (It was wrong to let her go on looking like that!) I know it seems like a horrible thing to say, but I have my reasons. You see I was In Tana Toraja on the Island of Sulawesi which is famous for its traditional funerals. Its the whole reason people go there, so I guest I'm not the only person who has been there and was glad that someone died. In fact it was 2 peoples funeral, two brothers and actually they hadn't just died, they have been dead for two years. In Tana Toraja it is tradition to mummify the bodies and keep them in the family house until all the members of the family can be gathered together for the funeral. This means that bodies can lay in the house for a couple of years. I heard that one body was kept in the house for over 20 years until it could be buried ( I guest its a good way to get the kids to leave home early as no self respecting teenager is going to want to sleep next to their mummified Grandad!) So off we went, first to local market where you can pick up a live pig on a stick or a full grown buffalo to go and then to the local village where the houses are shaped like boats to see the funeral procession. It was unlike any other funeral I have ever been to. Yes people wear black but that's where thesimilarities end. Everyone is happy, singing and drinking palm wine. No one is sad. It is one big party, with free food like pork, spinach and chilli's instead of tea and crap sandwiches. To top it all off you get buffalo fighting as entertainment. I wish funerals were like this in Britain. Actually I might put it in my will to have my funeral, Tana Torja style, but without the mummified stuff and waiting around for years to be buried, as that's just creepy. The funerals usually last for 5 days with gifts being brought on day 2 and 3 and the actual burial on the 5Th day. We returned on the 4th day again as that was the day Jan most wanted to photograph. It was slaughter day! One of the most common gifts are buffalo's and pigs which are then slaughtered and given to the local villagers for a banquet. Yousef told us that 20 buffalo's were to be slaughtered that day. It was something that i was not really looking forward to seeing, but then I thought, I bloody eat meat and don't really think how it gets on to my plate, its not like the sodding fairies bring it. It was time to see reality, and not some prepackaged crap on a Tesco shelf. I will tell you now it was not for the faint hearted or vegetarians. There was more blood than a Tarantino movie, but instead of feeling repulsed or sick I was totally absorbed. Ever buffalo that came up and then had it's throat slit I watched with the interest until a strange disappointment came over me that there was no more, when it ended. I guest I must be quiet a bloodthirsty person inside.
Oh lord I have sinned, well I haven't, it was Jan but he also made me party to it. It all started when we were back in Makkasar and he received an email from a small company who needed promotion photo's of makkasar for holiday tours. Jan when off straight away taking photo's. He returned a few hours later with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to tell me that he had ended up at five star hotel and asked to photograph the pool for a magazine. The next thing he knew the manager was called down to speak to him. He asked him what magazine Jan was working for and the first thing that came into his head was "Travel Asia." (only the biggest bloody travel mag in Asia) The manager was delighted and showed him round the hotel himself and asked if he wanted to come back in the evening to photograph some more. He dragged me along this time and I cringed as Jan was giving out all this crap about his assignment. Then to make things worse the Manager invited us to a free, 3 course meal. I could of died! Jan of course maxed it and ordered fish and king prawns and drink after drink. I just felt like a fraud, but I ate the free meal all the same and drank the drinks. well it would be stupid not to. Whats that saying, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
We are now back in Bali, in Kuta or as I like to call it "shit hole." Its full of drunken teenagers and chav's, with locals who hound you all the time to buy some crap or another. We leave tomorrow for Oz and I can't wait, which is a shit way to end Indonesia as I have bloody loved it here, its just that Kuta is not the real Indonesia. I will be back, still got so much to see of the country, but that is for another adventure.

OBSERVATIONS

* Jan nearly got stoned to death by a local after he refused to buy what she was selling, so she threw a rock at him. He said she was just plain crazy but knowing him he probably said something offensive to her.

* Jan is better at lying than I thought. Should I be worried!

* All the locals say "Hello Mr" to you all the time. I have given up trying to tell them its "Miss!" as its just to dam tiring!

* The tan is fading as it has rained non stop for the last three days.

* I have found a cheap bottle of gin and got some tonic. It should take my mind off the weather.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY

Estee Lauder once said that "There are no ugly women in this world, just lazy ones!" Well Miss Lauder forgot to put into this equation a woman without amenities. For example a woman who has slept on a deck of a boat for 4 days, which has no shower, a hole into the ocean for a toilet, which makes all her clothes damp, then she takes a 12 hour journey on a crap local bus, on which she throws up a total of 4 times, to arrive at her destination in the rain, stays in a damp room, with no hot water, to takes another crap bus the next day, to a village that has no running water (All she wants is a sodding shower!), stays in a flea bit of a guest house, climbs another bloody volcano, gets back, still no water, catches another bus, arrives in a crap port town, gets a boat, its covered in cockroaches, sleeps on deck again (less cockroaches!), lots of locals spit on deck (Not nice), clothes now smell like someone died in them! This is a very ugly woman indeed, this is a woman without amenities, this woman was me! Luckily I haven't seen to many mirrors in the last 2 weeks and then you just get past the point of actually caring. You will be glad to know that we have arrived in the city of Makkasar in Sulawesi and have managed to have all our clothes cleaned and had a shower, so now feel human again, but the last 2 weeks have been quite tough. I'm not complaining though as I think I have seen this world at it most beautiful recently and the roughness is part of the enjoyment as well. As said went on a boat for a couple of days from Lombok to Flores. The leaflet that advertised the trip was very interesting with its spelling and description of our journey ahead, with such sentences as:
"Ficture of boat"
"Meet the daragoons" (means see the Komodo dragons)
And my favourite "Have meal together like one big happy family"
There were nine passengers in total, me, Jan, the two Swiss guys, Jurge and Daniel, who we met on Rinjani, a Danish girl called Tania (Scared of spiders), an American, Chris (Looked like Jesus), a Canadian, Jason (Rob Mayors twin), and a Dutch couple, Ninca and Staso (completely mad). Over the next 4 days through snorkeling to komodo Dragons (The dragons did not seem to do much!) we all seem to bond. When we arr ivied at our destination Tania and Chris left us and the rest of continued around Flores taking on bad Beamo drivers (Taxi's), rip off merchants and terrible guesthouses together. We travelled nearly 2 weeks together and in the end we became that "one big happy family", if not an unlikely one. When we went our separate ways it was a sad loss. We are still travelling with the Swiss guys and have hooked with a French girl called Alice who is cool. Tonight getting a night bus (Not again!) to Tana Toraja, 8 hours north, where they slaughter a lot of Buffalo's, have open graves and some other mad traditions. Can't wait!

OBSERVATIONS

* Jan has started telling the locals he is from South Africa and that it is a very poor country, because he thinks they will rip him off less. No comment!

*All Indonesia men seem to do, is spit and chain smoke.

* Indonesians live in very poor shack houses but still manage to afford a satellite Ariel for their TVs.

* Don't go to weight watches come to Asia. Me and Jan have both lost weight, which is good for Jan as I was worried that we could not afford the 2 seats for him on the plane.

SHIT HAPPENS!

I often ask myself, why do I go travelling? What is it, that I am looking for? What do I want to get out of it? I like to tell myself and others, that it is a sense of adventure, that I seek. So to prove this point I decided it would be good to climb the second highest volcano in Indonesia, Mount Rinjani in Lombok. Those of you who know me well, will remember that me and mountains don't really go together too well. I have enough trouble staying on my feet when I am on a flat surface, so anything other than horizontal becomes quite dangerous for me (I blame my balance on having small feet for my height!) This time though I was determined that it would not get the better of me. We started the 2 day hike at 7.00am after being picked up at 4.00am for a 2 hour drive there. Along for the ride were a Canadian couple Dave and Jenni who we had met on the ferry on the way over to Lombok and so this was a merry little troop. I was not best equipped in my crap converse trainers and linen trousers but I figured if the guide could climb in a pair of flip flops I had no excuse, and climb we did, 2,600ft of bloody climb! After marching through mud and rain and what seemed to be an ongoing asthma attack for me, we finally reached the base camp just before dark. I was cold and wet and had the luxury of sleeping on top of a mountain in a tent that smelt like those old people that piss themselves. We then proceeded to be attacked by monkeys while having dinner, who were after our food. Well a least we have a camp fire to warm and dry ourselves off, I thought. I took off my Converse and put them next to the fire to dry out. A couple of minutes later I felt smelt a strange smell and looked down. "Shit!" I had set my shoe on fire. I quickly picked it up and rubbed it in the mud only to find a huge hole in the side! I counted to ten and decided it was best to go to bed before anything else happened. After a sleepless night listening to people snore and a local who had been apparently taken over by a demon and was chanting all night, we were woken by our guide a 4.00am again to continue the track to the top in the dark to see sunrise. Oh my god I thought I was going to die it was so hard. After being the last one to the top and missing sunrise as I was so slow I was still proud that I had made it to the summit and that the worst must be over with. How wrong I was! What goes up must come down, but I wish coming down was not so painful. The crap converse which now had a hole in the side the size of the Titantic's were staring to fall apart and so was I. Every 2 seconds I kept falling down getting more bruised and cut each time. Jan and the guide had to hold each of my hands and guide me down only for me to fall still, into a ditch with only my legs sticking up in the air. I eventually made it down and could see base camp in sight and thought I was home free until I lost my balance again and put my hand down into a bush to steady myself. It just so happens that was also the place where somone had decided to relieve themselves in the night! Yes thats right! I put my hand down right into a human shit! I laughed, then Jan was laughing, then I told him to piss right off and stormed off. I sat crying for a minute and told myself that wasn't this what I had come looking for, adventure? I laughed. Then I thought about it again and cried!
After the horror of the volcano we find ourselves in the Gilli islands, which are paradise. White sand, turquoise sea and great chill out bars. There are no police here so people just seem to be on magic mushrooms and stoned all the time. Its very funny. Now that I can walk again and the cuts are healing we are off tomorrow on a boat for 4 days(Which we are sleeping on the deck of to save money!), to Komodo Island to see the famous dragons. Lets just hope they don't shit near me!

OBSERVATIONS

* I think I am cursed as well as the cuts, shit and setting shoes on fire I have also been stung my jelly fish and broke my sunglasses in the last couple of days.

* My hair seems to be going afro.

* Jan has become obsessed with monkeys after to we went to Monkey Forest in Ubud, Bali. He has now lots of dirty Monkey pictures after they just kept humping in front of us.

* All my clothes, smell really bad!

NO MONEY, NO HONEY!

We have had a change of plan. In fact we have had a lot of changes of plan. I do believe we might be on plan Z now, due to the fact that Jan and me have suddenly become so indecisive. We have finally decided to stick to our original flight, after realizing, changing it would cost £50 each and that Indonesia was way too big to do all of it in a month. So we are going to concentrate our efforts in the centre of the country and do the islands of Bali, Lombok, Kalimantan, and Sulawesi. Because of this decision, we are still in Singapore, though we leave for Bali tonight. Yeah!
My Nan, Lil, use to live in Singapore in the 1950’s. She always says she would not want to return here now. It’s too clean and modern for her these days. She preferred it when it was dirty, with opium dens, brothels and shantytowns. “When it had character,” she always remarks. To be fair you can see her point of view. To look at Singapore is as near as you can get to a Utopian society. There is no dirt, no rubbish, hardly any crime; everything is on time and works! This is why my Lil would hate it. For me I quite like it after all the traumas you seem to get living in London. It is also quite cheap for a city, but not cheap enough for us backpackers. With us staying an extra two days, we decided to hunt down the cheapest hotel going. We searched the Internet and found a cheap one just outside the centre and near the train. Great! I thought. There was just one problem! Jan had forgotten to tell me something about where we were staying. While we were in Thailand, Jan procured a book with the lovely title “No Money, No Honey” about prostitution in Singapore. He was engrossed in it, so much so he finished it in a day (Wonder why?) Anyway, I later learn that Singapore has a big red light area called Geylang and guess where our hotel is? Yes! Right slap bang in the centre of Geylang! We walk to our hotel in the day, which on the surface seems to be in a very pleasant neighborhood, but then you start to look closer. Men cruising in cars, a few scantily clan girls on the corner and rooms to rent by the hour. We get to our hotel, which can also be rented by the hour and the manager informs us, that he will put us in a room at the top of the hotel, as the lower floors can be noisy with all the coming and goings. Oh my God! We are staying in a brothel and not just any old brothel as we later find out, but the biggest whorehouse in town! As night falls, if you didn’t realize you were staying in the red light district, you do now! As we leave the hotel the streets are crammed with hookers and men. I have never seen anything like it in my life, the sheer scale of it. The hookers stand on every square inch of the street and the men which consist of mainly Chinese and a few Indian and Westerners walk by like they are window shopping and look these girls up down like they are pieces of meat. When they see something they like they disappear into one of the nearby hotels for a bit. It’s disgusting all these pretty, young Chinese and Thai girls having to service these vile men. Most of these men are married and some are quite young too. I get stared at a lot, being the only blonde haired Western woman around. I’ve told Jan that he is not to leave me alone as when he does the locals seem to think that I am some Russian hooker. He now uses it as blackmail, because if I don’t behave myself he keeps saying he’s going to pimp me out to the highest bidder. I must say though its all very interesting, maybe more to Jan than me, as I keep catching him with his mouth wide open and his tongue hanging out, so I have to give him a good old slap now and again.
As for the book “No Money, No Honey,” Lil took it to read as she had finished her Jackie Collins and said it could be interesting. Maybe after reading it she might realize Singapore is not so clean after all.

OBSERVATIONS

• Hotels in Singapore with a number in big type are usually brothels or places where paid for sex can take place. Ours was hotel 81.

• I have found out it is the Chinese year of the rat. That will explain all the furry little bastards in Kuala Lumpur.

• I think I want to live in Asia, as the food is so good.

• Chinese Men seem to think it’s quite acceptable to have moles with lots of long hairs growing out of them. It is not!

• Lots of Chinese people wear glasses.

SAME, SAME, BUT DIFFERENT: RETURN TO PHI PHI

I was last in Phi Phi three years ago as Tsunami volunteer. I spent most of my days working at a wrecked guesthouse, painting signs. The caretaker was an old Burmese guy called Dan, who was the loveliest man. He would fill our days of work with mad comments such as telling us Cliff Richard is big in Burma and hum Smoke Over Water a lot, and on the last day he told us is name was actually Than not Dan (he had been meaning to tell us for over a fortnight!) I liked him a lot. So I set off to find him but the guesthouse was gone, replaced by fancy bungalows. I never found him. Also gone was the Apache bar where I spent my last night at Mr. Lee’s birthday bash, cavorting round the dance floor in a drunken state. I remember me and Bekkah, catching the ferry the next morning, with big old hangovers. In fact the island has changed so much it was hard to navigate myself around. There are things that are still the same though, one of which was my old guesthouse though the prices were not. Actually Phi Phi is a lot more expensive than I remember it. After a lot of searching, we managed to find a cheap room, which was okay apart from the couple above who came in every night drunk, and had really noisy, rough sex. I also went to find the Sunflower bar, which was our old hangout. It had just been a little wooden shack on the beach, but now it was a whole village complete with multi-level bar and tattoo parlor. I also tried out Deco and Rob’s completed toilet (Nice foundations boys, if not a little uneven!) I spent the whole of the first night there getting totally smashed with Jan. I did not go again after that. It was not the same for me. The gang was not there, not even Mel and Ben. There was no one to reminisce about old times with, apart from poor Jan who must have got fed up with all my stories. I felt sad!
Another thing that made me sad was all those bloody people! When I had been there, there were so few people, the beach was deserted. I had a bit of a shock when I went to the beach on the first day. It was crammed! All I could think was “Piss off! All of you!” At night it turned into the young posers playground (People on the prowl for a pull). I guest I’m past that stage now, but I looked at the young girls and thought, “Yes, that was me three years ago!” (God! I’m making myself sound ancient!) All that said, Phi Phi is still my favorite island in Thailand. It has a laid-back charm and beauty unlike any other. I was just there at a special time, under tragic circumstances and for that reason (even though I loved it so much) I hope that time never happens again.
After Phi Phi we were traveling for 24 hours and found ourselves in Kuala Lumpur. We arrived in the early hours of the morning, not knowing where the hell we were. We checked out a few scruffy but cheap guest houses complete with rats, in Little India, then after seeing a few more rats in the street decided to head to China Town. Only bloody problem is its bastard Chinese New Year and everywhere is full. After a good hour of searching with backpacks and sweating our arses off we find a room, which does not come with Rats included in the price!
We have now arrived in Singapore. I took Jan to Raffles last night to have a Singapore sling, which has to be done if you are in Singapore. I love Raffles; it’s just so grand with its old colonial style. Its just so Lady Warrington! Tomorrow we get the ferry over to Indonesia after deciding to skip our flight to Bali so we can start at the top of the country in Sumatra and work our way down. I do believe now, it’s going to get hardcore, so don’t expect to hear from me in a while!


OBSERVATIONS

• There are three people in my and Jan’s relationship. Actually two people and a thing. Me, Jan, and Nikon the camera. Nikon comes everywhere with us. In fact Nikon and Jan go out for hours together, for their “special time.” He even goes shopping with Nikon to buy her things! I’m not even allowed any where near her. Bitch!

• My hair is the color and now also the texture of straw!

• Jan seems to be eating our entire budget!

• I have the most scarred feet ever, which include Mozzie bites; blisters, cuts and car exhaust burns!

CHUI DUAY,CHAN JOM NAM!

Chui duay,chan jom nam! translated means "Help! I'm drowning!" It sums up exactly how I have felt at times during this last week with the family. Its been very hard at times and trying to keep everyone happy is so tiring, but we survived. The weddding day itself was a great day. Yuko looked stunning, Darren did a great speech in Japanese and English, and dad after a few drinks, told the Japanese car thief joke once again:
"What do you call a Japanese car thief?"
"Tommy took a motor!"
Of course none of Yuko's family got it and there was that tumble weed slience for a moment. We have parted ways now, after we were spoilt on our last night in Lamai in Koh Sumui when Mum and Paul paid for a lovely beach front bungalow for me and Jan. She said it was going to be our last bit of luxury for a long time and it bloody well is as I spent a fortune the week they were here. On our last night together I took Lil to see a lady boy show to keep her satisified as I wouldn't let her go and see a ping pong show as I didn't think it appropriate for nan's. She loved it in fact it was one of the high lights of the holiday for her. I don't know if Paul could say the same as the lady boys seemed to take a shine to him and kept hugging and kissing him. Darren and Jan stayed way and did "Man Things" like playing pool.
My mum broke her designer Gucci glasses. She is going to claim them on the insurance. She will have to fill out the form as follows, and I swear this is no word of a lie!

CAUSE OF DAMAGE TO ITEM:
Well I was on holiday in Thailand with my family and I was watching these elephants play football, and I was sat behind the goal post. The next thing one went to shoot and missed and hit me square on in the face and knocked me out and off my stool. I was wearing the sunglasses when this happened and it bent them in to! Oophs!

Me and Jan are now off to Phi Phi on our own and I think deep down, even with all the hassle I might just miss the family a little bit!

OBSERVATIONS

* I was walking in Lamai and came across a bar with a pole in the middle, and had a flashback to three years ago when I was last here, to me, Brown and Debs girrating round the very same pole totally smashed with a load Go-Go girls. Completely forgot about it. Wonder why.

* Went to a snake farm with Jan and put a burmese python round my neck. They are actually very cute. Might get one as a pet.

* Starting to turn a nice shade of brown. That one was just for all you pale ones back home!

* Yuko's dad had seen Laurence of Arabia years ago and thought because of it that all English people were serious and sensible. His view has now changed after meeting my family.

RETURN OF THE MOPED, THE ARRIVAL OF THE CLAN

In Asia you learn quickly that it is best not to look out the window when in a car or a bus.  You would only give yourself a heart attack, as they drive like a madmen.  This rule is a little harder to apply when on the back of  a moped.  Those of you who know my history with mopeds will know that we don't go together to well.  After Jan finished reading his book on Gangs in Britain, something else was needed to occupy him, so we hired a moped for the day.  The roads on Koh Samet are more like dirt tracks so it made for a bumpy ride.  It was all going well until Jan lost control and we were heading towards a bush.  I closed my eyes and for a split second all that went through my head was, cuts, bruising, ambulance, hospital, needle, stitches again!  I opened my eyes, to find that luckily we had got lodged in the bush which had stopped the bike from going over.  Thank you God!

We are now in Bangkok again and my family have now arrived.  I have spent half my life thinking what an ordinary background I have come from and that I wished I was from more interesting roots.  It is only in the last couple of years that I have come to realize that all my family are actually mad, especially when they are all together, and especially when they are abroad in a hot country (the heat sends them more insane)!  The last time we went away together as a family was more than 10 years ago so the arrival of the clan has had quite an impact.  I have had two days with them so far and I'm exhausted!  We went to the grand palace the other day which was mental and also took bloody ages to get from one spot to the other as there are so many of us.  I felt like a herder gathering their flock, especially with the two Nan's, Lil and Margaret.  We have also Yuko's mum with us who doesn't speak any English and we speak no Japanese.  So all in all it makes for an interesting time.  Well only one more week of it, then we probably have gone insane!  Actually there are more clan still coming for in a couple of days for the wedding.  Oh, Lord, have mercy on us!

Took Lil to see her brother's grave the other day at the Bridge on the River Kwai.  He went off to war when she was fourteen and she never saw him again.  He was twenty eight.  Lil has wanted to go since the 1950's.  So we had to take her.   Me, Jan and Paula took up the task.  We went on the local bus which she enjoyed lots and then took a Tuk Tuk which she enjoyed even more. She does not do bad for a seventy eight year old.  I had found his grave three years before when I was last here and was quite sure where it was among the 6,000 graves.  Of course when we get there I am totally wrong and we then spent the next hour in roasting sun searching all the graves.  We eventually found him and laid some flowers.  Lil had a little cry, though she tried not to let anyone see.  She's not very good at things like that.

Its Jan's birthday today.  He said we have do everything he wants today. Well, that's nothing bloody new is it!

OBSERVATIONS

* Lil has swollen feet from the plane but still manages to walk round the whole of Bangkok with high heels on.

* When my brother Darren said something is just round the corner it actually means a good half hour trek.

* Jan and Paula are in competition to see who can be the biggest brat.

* I want a dog.  We went to the weekend market and me and Paula went mad for all the little puppies.