SANTA BABY!

Santa baby, I've been a awful good girl. So I would like the following for Christmas. Well a girl can dream can't she!

I have a little collection of perfumes. With my favourite being Jo Malone orange blossom but I do believe this could be up there as a new contender, with its fruity smell mixed with Iris. Love it!



Do Son Eau De Toilette Diptyque £58 www.spacenk.co.uk

I do love my bags and I do love art deco, and this little number by Laura Bohinc combines the two wonderfully. Unfortunately the price is not so lovely.



The Tatiana clutch bag £675 www.larabohinc.com/start.html

I'm loving the sailor look at the moment and I have always loved the 1950's so when I saw this dress I just thought I have to have it. Unfortunately it has sold out. Dam it!




The Bettie Page Wiggle captain dress £65 www.pinup-parade.com

As its getting very cold I need some new gloves and these look very lady like.



Leather driving gloves around £30 http://leatherglovesonline.com

OBSERVATIONS

* I have very expensive tastes.

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY?

It soon became apparent to me after I got back that I had returned to a very depressed house hold, it must have been bad as this was coming from an actually depressive. "I'm the only depressive in this house!" I thought. It would have been quite easy to join in but instead it had quite the reverse affect. I just couldn't bear it so I set on a course to spread Christmas cheer ( From now on then if I get depressed everyone has to be depressed too, to cure me of it, OK!). The first thing I did was go and get a Christmas tree, much to Jan disdain as it appears I am going out with Germany's answer to Ebenezer Scrooge! He says he doesn't like Christmas, to which I said "Well you won't like all those presents I got you either, so I will have to take them back!" He shut up after that. Well anyway, its amazing what a £30 tree from B&Q and some cheap Dec's from Asda can do to lift the spirits. Oli did most of the decorating of the tree in true prop man style: I threaded some popcorn which oli said looked like a bunch of bones: Sam came home to find the tree done, so just moved all the decorations round, so she felt like she did her bit and Jan just stayed on his computer! (Bar Hum bug!)



Later still caught up in the Christmas feel, me, Angus and Sam let off one of Angus's paper lanterns with a wish and saw it float high above the Hackney night sky (You so know Hackney police got loads of phone calls about a UFO being in the area that night).



To add to the merriness I have brought a festive CD with Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby, which I will play at our house Xmas dinner on Thursday, which will probably just turn into a piss up as there will not be anything to eat as I will burn everything!

OBSERVATIONS

* I seem to be spending a lot of time just sat on the toilet, as the bathroom is the warmest room in the house. Bloody freezing!

* I am actually missing picking all the dirt out of my nails, like in India (Well it's something to do isn't it!)

* The best way to Christmas shop is just to get pissed! Me and the sister, Paula do it every year on our annual Christmas spree. Its amazing how presents look so brill when your drunk, instead of a pile of crap!

WHO'S THE DADDY!

Indians just love their mobile phones. Even though it is one of the poorest countries on earth everyone seems to have one, even the beggars on the street (they probably ring each other to see how business is doing!) This is why India has the quickest growing phone market in the world with 2.4 million new users every month! The biggest lovers of their phones though are the Indian men who seem to see it as some sort of penis extension. At every opportunity they can't wait to whack it out and show off their little handset, especially in front of the women. They parade all their phones capabilities by taking photos every second (Usually of me when I'm not looking, so they can show it to their mates and say I'm their girlfriend!) and playing some awful Bollywood music to the max when your trying to sleep on the bus. They must think, us westerners have never seen a phone before they way they carry on with theirs. I use to keep my phone hidden due to security and not wanting any attention, but with my recent annoyance with local men, I just couldn't resist pulling out the iPhone in front of them and seeing their facing drop at the sight of my penis extension. Who's the daddy now I thought.
It was only the phone stunt that gave me any sort of pleasure on my final train journey back to Delhi from Jaisalmer. The 19 hour journey, which turned into 24 hours due to delays, was so long long it felt like pulling teeth. Opposite me there was an American woman who instead of being fed up of Indian men's constant questioning, loved it, because it meant that she could about herself for hours on end (Being American she was very good at it!) I had to listen to how she had found her spiritual soul in India and about her meditation and all the Guru's she had met. All I could think of was I wonder how many of those Guru's she has probably slept. Then some strange half dead looking traveler guy (Some people stay in India to long!) appeared on the train and kept trying to talk to me. I think he was Irish but was not quite sure as I could not understand what he was saying half the time (To many drugs!)
After finally reaching Old Delhi train station, I then survived a Tuk Tuk drive from hell to Paharganj. The driver who had an extra thumb was the worst driver I have ever met in my life and believe me with all my time in Asia that is saying something. He bashed about 6 vehicles, knocked a old man off his bike, kept stopping to talk to his mates, and then dropped something under his seat and proceeded to look for it while still driving. Then at the end of it the cheeky bastard asked for a tip!, to which my response was: "Tip! Tip! You should be paying me for that journey. You have also added 10 years to me alone on one trip and as a woman reaching 30 next year I really don't need that now!" He smiled and laughed
"Yes madam! Tip madam!" I don't know why I bother sometimes!
I spent my last night in Delhi intending to do some shopping but after an encounter with a young jewellery designer who asked me to go and drink chai with him (He looked like my brothers best mate Adam, so I decided to trust him), I found myself with all his mates, (who were all young Kashmiri's,) and a group of Brits and Aussies drinking beer till midnight which is very hard core in India. So I got no shopping done and went out on a high on my last night which was needed after my negativity in Jaisalmer.
The flight home passed without much incident apart from the man next to me who kept doing smelly farts. Jan came to meet at the airport with a flower which I later left on the tube as we nearly missed our stop through gabbing. The flat was little changed apart from being more untidy and with more collected junk from the house mates taking up more space. The weather is like ice as predicted and I find myself not use to it anymore and have being wearing my sexy thermals under my clothes. I walked round the supermarket yesterday with the trolley in a daze not collecting anything and got myself in a bit of a tizz at the thought of having to select and cook a meal for the first time in over a month. So I had to ring Jan to come and help me much to his horror of having such a useless girlfriend. It's always the same when I get back from my travels: the readjustment to the cold, the orderliness of everyday life. it is everything that India is not. Yes India is dirty, poor, annoying and hard but I would not change it for the world. It is my favourite country out of all I have been to. It has a life and an unpredictability to it that makes it so exciting, like an adventure. I miss it already, well apart from the smell of urine.

FACTS OF INDIA

Yes no observations this time. I thought it would be nice to end my trip on something different!

* The largest employer in the world is the Indian railway system, employing over a million people !

* India has the most post offices in the world !

* The number of births that occur in India each year is higher than the entire population of Australia?

* The only country in the world that has a Bill of Rights for Cows is India?

* people below poverty line: about 260 million

* India's percentage of global car population
India's share of global car accidents: 10%

P.S This blog will be continuing. I know I said that last time, but this time I promise.

CONVERSATIONS WITH INDIA

I am going through a drought. A drought that is of interesting travellers! Since I left the Aussie boys, and apart from one day with an Irish girl I have met people of little interest to me. All there seems to be is couples who after months of traveling together cannot bear the sight of each other and would rather read ever inch of the Lonely Planet than partake in conversation with each other: The spiritual travellers who are trying so hard to be different they all end up looking the same and finally the older package groups who swarm round in clans. Instead I have found myself spending my time with the locals. The first of my interactions came at the lake in Udiapur with a young girl who's name I could not pronounce, who was doing the daily wash with her mother. It was probably not the best of conversations as she could not speak any English and me no Hindi. She also was very keen on taking my bracelets and my Ray Bands in exchange for a tatty piece of gum. So in fact if I think about it she was trying to fleece me! My next encounter was with the travel agent know as Mr A. I am normally very suspicious of agents but Mr A was quite different altogether. A short plump little man with a starched collar and prim and proper tie, Mr A as well as travel agent also seems to be an Agony Aunt (Or should I say Uncle) to the travellers of Udiapur. He will answer any questions: How do I get there? Which is the best place to eat? What is cheaper? And what shade do you think suits me best? I spent the evening hanging in his shop along with other travellers searching for words of wisdom and found that my faith was restored in the India people, especially the men, after meeting him. I told him that he was a very good man. To which he replied
"Yes madam. I think about it alot and yes I am very good man, I am the best man!" Well yes a good man but probably not the most modest.
The next day I proceeded to Jodphur on the bus booked by Mr A. For an Indian bus it was a quite high standard (That means it did not look like is was about to fall apart any second!) On that trip I met an old man who use to be a maths teacher. Unlike the last old man on my bus trip he did not try and sit on me. He decided he would teach me some Hindi instead. After a short but intense lesson I now know how to say "What is your name?" Which I use on the locals before they get a chance to use it on me, which proper throws them, and then I learnt to say can I have one Chai (Indian tea) without sugar, as the chai comes with enough of the stuff to rot your teeth. Actually I'm surprised Indian have any teeth at all as they put shit loads of sugar on everything and I can't stand it.
Armed with my Hindi and my new faith in India I arrived in Jodphur and attacked it with a new found confidence. The hassles, the stares, the constant battles to get anything done did not bother me anymore. I stayed in the heart of the old city (or blue city as it's called because it's painted blue!) where there are little tourists (Brilliant!) I went to the night market with the mission to get Deb's a bed spread and me, some of the amazing fabrics that India, especially Rajasthan has to offer. It was there that I met two brothers who owned a fabric shop. I became their very demanding but good customer and I spent most of the afternoon hanging out in their shop drinking chai, showing them the new wonders of the I-Phone, talking Bollywood and Harry Potter. I even got to meet the family which was a lot of them, a bloody lot of them!. I do believe that was my favourite day in India so far.
It's funny how one's faith can fade so fast though. All it takes is 24 hours of the shits and vomiting for you to become another person. I caught the night train to Jaisalmer and during that trip something in my body went very wrong. I spent most of my time running back and two to the toilet which is not that easy when your on the top berth in a carriage of pervy Indian men. When I did arrive at my destination I was met of with a swarm of men shouting
"You come with me madam!"
"My hotel is best madam."
"Cheap hotel madam."
"What is your name madam."
In my bad way I'm afraid to say Kevin was unleashed:
"Will you just piss off!" I screamed
After having my usually 5 minutes cool down, I went with one of them to a clean little guesthouse, where I have spent the last day vomiting and with the shits, only once leaving on a horrible trip to the chemist with the owners young son as carer. Its not very pleasant being sick in the street in front of the locals but don't feel too guilty as it will go very nicely with the smell of urine and cow shit that is everywhere.
Today I have managed the walk to the fort which is very beautiful but touristy, with people trying to sell you anything, to which my response is a bit like a Rottweiler on heat, especially to the men. I think I might head butt one of them soon. Oh well maybe my faith will return when my strength does or I'll be in jail for assault instead.

OBSERVATIONS
* I saw my first case of bride burning the other day. Down at the lake in Udiapur a woman was washing and I saw her skin was as white as mine but she was terribly disfigured. Bride burning happens when a daughter in law does not meet expectations:IE does not produce a son, so she is burnt and often outcast from the home. For every one case reported in India another 250 go unreported. Most women will say it was a cooking accident. I felt sad seeing this woman, and then angry for her hopeless situation.

* Indian men are very vain, especially the young. There always looking in the mirror and combing their gel caked hair. Their fashion is very dodgy as well: Lots of low buttoned shirts with chest hair and jeans so tight that I'm surprised India has such a high birth rate!

* After the Mumbai attacks everyone keeps asking what it's like here. Well I will tell you: Nothing! Its like it never happened, life goes on as normal. The media as always hypes the public into the belief that everywhere is unsafe these days. My view on the matter: you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. The only way you will ever be safe is stay in a box and I don't want to be in a box. Life is meant to lived.

YES MADAM!

I do believe it must be against the law or something to have a good nights sleep in India. I don't think I have a undisturbed night since I have been here! There is always some noise or another: your neighbours having loud sex, someone coughing up their insides or nosiy crap ringtones. I thought at least in Puskar I would get a good nights kip, it being the quietest place on my trip. Oh, but no! At five on the dot the music speakers come on full whack playing some Indian song that is sung by a woman who sounds like she is being impaled! This goes on for a least an hour on repeat and then they play another god awful song on repeat for another hour. Then the other night I was woken at about 2am to the sound of a dog yelpng in the yard below me, so I swing open my doors and go and look down off my balcony to find about five of the guesthouse boys whacking their dog with a stick!
"Hello" I shout "Do you think you could stop doing that!"
They all stop what their doing and look up at me with beaming smiles.
"Yes madam! Don't worry we don't kill it we just teach lesson." says the ringleader
"Well I think it is very cruel! Whats it done!"
"Yes madam. It kill duvet and my 950 ruppes jeans. Very expensive madam."
Its then I notice the left overs of a duvet and jeans scattered across the yard.
"Oh!" I say "Well can't you get it a muzzle."
"Yes madam. What is muzzle Madam."
Oh god! why did I start this coversation.
"It's a strap that you put round a dogs noise to stop it biting."
"Yes madam. We have."
Wait a second!
"Why did you ask me what a muzzle was if you already have one."
"Yes madam."
"You don't have one do you."
"Yes madam."
Then it clicks. I look down at these smiling faces and realise the whole time they have been getting a great view up my vest top, even the dog has stopped yelping and is sat looking, tounge out and panting. Oh my god! They are looking at my tits! I quickly fold my arms and run inside shouting, "Just tie it up then!"
The next morning as I check out the ring leader smiles and says he is sorry that I am leaving as he will miss my pretty face. Yeah mate! Its not my face your going to miss, I think! Its a good job I left as I do believe they would be quacking the poor dog with sticks every night, just so the English lady will come out and dangle her breasts for them again!
The Indians are very curious people, especially the men. It can get very tiring at times. I was sat round the lake in Puskar the other day doing some sketching when to young boys approached.
"Hello madam. Where are you from."
They always start a conversaton like this!
"England."
"What is your name."
"Carly."
"Carly. Like goddess."
Yes, like Goddess."
What is your job Madam."
"Teacher." I know this is a lie but being a teacher gets you huge respect over here.
"What do you earn."
"$300 a year." Another lie but I don't want them thinking I'm rich as they might start asking me to buy stuff.
"Are you married."
"No!"
"Oh! I am very sorry because you should be married at your age."
This is so the wrong thing to say to me.
"Well actually I am very glad I am not married and I have my freedom and I probably will never get married!" I rant. So begins the ravings of a mad woman. I start to lecture them on how I love being a western woman and having the same rights as men, that we all not sinners in the west, that just because I have blonde hair does mean you can feel my arse, that women are not a lesser human being, and that women are much more intelligent then men. They sit there a bit shell shocked and lost for words and then just leave. Note to ones self: Must do more feminist ranting when wanting to get rid of unwanted attention.
I am now in Udiapur which is where the James Bond movie "Octopussy" was filmed. Love Bond! I am going on a whole days horse tracking tomorrow which I'm very excited about. Don't worry I'm much better on a horse than on a moped. Apart from that time I fell off one eyed Spruce( actually only did have one eye!) I have never been to hospital.

OBSERVATIONS
* Old Indian people put henna in their hair, which makes it look like the worst sun in job you have ever seen in your life.

* The cities in India are so polluted that when you blow your noise your snot comes out black.

* I have realised that the most used hotels in India are the railway station platforms, and why not? They have all the facilities you could need: a bed (The bench), 24 hour room service (Street cleaner and food cart sellers) and showers (Actually the drinking water tap, but the locals use it as a shower and strip down to their underwear on the platform and get out the soap."

* Indians do not know how to say no!

RELIGION RULES

Did you know that Carly (Me!), is actually a goddess in India (you spell it Kali but it's pronounced the same). I would like to say that she is good and beautiful but if the truth is told she has eyes red with intoxication and in absolute rage (A Kevin), her hair is shown disheveled (Often the case with me!) , small fangs sometimes protrude out of her mouth (Before I had a brace) and her tongue is lolling (happens when drunk sometimes). She is often shown naked or just wearing a skirt made of human arms and a garland of human heads (Would wear if found in Topshop). So really she sums me up quite well. Religion rules life hear in India and I now I find myself in one of its its holy places, Puskar in Rajasthan. Its a chilled little town surrounding a lake which the Hindu's come to bathe in and worship. It all sounds so lovely and nice doesn't it apart from the lake is probably toxic with pollution and you would not get me to wash in it if you paid me a million quid as your skin would most likely melt off. The surrounding ghats are also covered in cow shit from the hundreds of free roaming terrors. There is also a lot of bird shit. To walk around the Ghats you have to take your shoes off so you spend your time not looking at the beautiful view of the lake but looking down at the ground to check you are not walking in shit. My feet as I type are encrusted with bird shit and god knows what (Nice!) All that said I really like Puskar. Its quiet and chilled after Delhi and Jaipur, which were full on. I have got myself a nice little room with a balcony and a view over the town to die for, so I will look at the lake from there (Nicer on the feet). I intend to be a lady of leisure here and sit and drink tea and sketch from balcony.
As said I have just come from Jaipur which was great fun as I met three Aussie guys (Ed, Nathan and Alex) on the bus on the way there. I love the Aussies their just chilled and so much fun. I was grateful for them on the bus as, it was a long journey and some old man tried to sit himself on my lap in a very un Grandad kind of way until Nathan pulled him off. Me and Alex have gone on to Puskar as the others have gone Tiger spotting somewhere or another. Have nothing more to say. Well I do but I feel a little tired so can't be arsed to write anymore. I'm not even go to observations!

SOME TIMES IT HARD TO BE A WOMAN....

Indian is not the easiest of countries to travel at the best of times, so being a single, white, blonde woman makes it ten times worse. Its the constant staring which is the most annoying thing and then there is the accidental brushing past which usually happens to be located in the breast or arse area. I just slap their hands now and shout "Your a very bad man!", really loud which embrassess them in front of everyone. I thought about dying my hair dark but remembered the last time I tried and it went green at the roots and there was also that time I literally dyed it red for the red ball at uni (I know how original) and it wouldn't wash out, just went pink, so I thought better about that idea. Instead I decided to buy myself a Salwar Kameez, which is the traditional dress like tunic and trouser combo with the dupatta (long scarfe). Yes I do look like a complete idiot and like one of those "I'm going to become just like the natives" type people, who I hate, but I really don't care as the percentage of "brushing" has reached zero when I wear it. Also they are actually really cool and comfortable and I have decided to make the tunic into a mini dress when I get home and will make the neck line lower too. So it will be a Slag Salwar Kameez. Brilliant!
Went to see the Taj Mahal today. I always worry when you go and see something you have wanted to see for a long time and its a real dissapointment (The Statue of Liberty was tiny and crap)! It was not so this time. It is more beautiful in reality than the pictures you see. It has a another worldly quality about it, something so perfect that it does not look real. Of course there were shit loads of tourists there doing the thing that they do best: taking photos of everything and anything. I joined in my striking my Princess Di pose in front of the Taj and let Faye and Eddie (a nice English couple I have been hanging around with) take the picture, much to to the amusement of the Indians who looked a bit bemused by it. Well a least it was a change from them perving at me.
I'm moving on to Jaipur tomorrow and into the state of Rajasthan which is full of history, so you can imagine how excited I am. I think I have to miss out Varanasi as I do not have enough time, which is a bit gutting. Never mind. Next time.

OBSERVATIONS

* I do not seem to have had, one decent nights sleep since I've been in Indian due to the fact there is always seems to be someone next door to me, yaking up something like there dying and some dogs barking and mauling each other to death outside.

* All the men keep asking me if I'm married, so I have started to tell them I'm engaged to get them off my backs. Then they ask when the wedding is. Jan better get working hard as I have told them its after christmas.

* Its official I have had a curse put on me, by Indians version of the lady boy (the Hijaras). They are eunchs that are believed to bring good luck. They go round asking for money for it. If you do not give them any, they curse you, as I found out when I refused to give them 10 ruppes so they pinched my cheek and cursed me. To which my response was "Am I bothered!" I am a little bit though as last time we were in India Becky B cursed the gods and got a noise and eye infection in return.

* I seem to have mice following me every where as one decided to invite itself into my room last night. I went to get the guesthouse owner who had a "I can't be arsed!" search while eating a samosa, then said "No mouse!" and just left. So I thought guess thats, that then! Off to bed.