NO MONEY, NO HONEY!

We have had a change of plan. In fact we have had a lot of changes of plan. I do believe we might be on plan Z now, due to the fact that Jan and me have suddenly become so indecisive. We have finally decided to stick to our original flight, after realizing, changing it would cost £50 each and that Indonesia was way too big to do all of it in a month. So we are going to concentrate our efforts in the centre of the country and do the islands of Bali, Lombok, Kalimantan, and Sulawesi. Because of this decision, we are still in Singapore, though we leave for Bali tonight. Yeah!
My Nan, Lil, use to live in Singapore in the 1950’s. She always says she would not want to return here now. It’s too clean and modern for her these days. She preferred it when it was dirty, with opium dens, brothels and shantytowns. “When it had character,” she always remarks. To be fair you can see her point of view. To look at Singapore is as near as you can get to a Utopian society. There is no dirt, no rubbish, hardly any crime; everything is on time and works! This is why my Lil would hate it. For me I quite like it after all the traumas you seem to get living in London. It is also quite cheap for a city, but not cheap enough for us backpackers. With us staying an extra two days, we decided to hunt down the cheapest hotel going. We searched the Internet and found a cheap one just outside the centre and near the train. Great! I thought. There was just one problem! Jan had forgotten to tell me something about where we were staying. While we were in Thailand, Jan procured a book with the lovely title “No Money, No Honey” about prostitution in Singapore. He was engrossed in it, so much so he finished it in a day (Wonder why?) Anyway, I later learn that Singapore has a big red light area called Geylang and guess where our hotel is? Yes! Right slap bang in the centre of Geylang! We walk to our hotel in the day, which on the surface seems to be in a very pleasant neighborhood, but then you start to look closer. Men cruising in cars, a few scantily clan girls on the corner and rooms to rent by the hour. We get to our hotel, which can also be rented by the hour and the manager informs us, that he will put us in a room at the top of the hotel, as the lower floors can be noisy with all the coming and goings. Oh my God! We are staying in a brothel and not just any old brothel as we later find out, but the biggest whorehouse in town! As night falls, if you didn’t realize you were staying in the red light district, you do now! As we leave the hotel the streets are crammed with hookers and men. I have never seen anything like it in my life, the sheer scale of it. The hookers stand on every square inch of the street and the men which consist of mainly Chinese and a few Indian and Westerners walk by like they are window shopping and look these girls up down like they are pieces of meat. When they see something they like they disappear into one of the nearby hotels for a bit. It’s disgusting all these pretty, young Chinese and Thai girls having to service these vile men. Most of these men are married and some are quite young too. I get stared at a lot, being the only blonde haired Western woman around. I’ve told Jan that he is not to leave me alone as when he does the locals seem to think that I am some Russian hooker. He now uses it as blackmail, because if I don’t behave myself he keeps saying he’s going to pimp me out to the highest bidder. I must say though its all very interesting, maybe more to Jan than me, as I keep catching him with his mouth wide open and his tongue hanging out, so I have to give him a good old slap now and again.
As for the book “No Money, No Honey,” Lil took it to read as she had finished her Jackie Collins and said it could be interesting. Maybe after reading it she might realize Singapore is not so clean after all.

OBSERVATIONS

• Hotels in Singapore with a number in big type are usually brothels or places where paid for sex can take place. Ours was hotel 81.

• I have found out it is the Chinese year of the rat. That will explain all the furry little bastards in Kuala Lumpur.

• I think I want to live in Asia, as the food is so good.

• Chinese Men seem to think it’s quite acceptable to have moles with lots of long hairs growing out of them. It is not!

• Lots of Chinese people wear glasses.

SAME, SAME, BUT DIFFERENT: RETURN TO PHI PHI

I was last in Phi Phi three years ago as Tsunami volunteer. I spent most of my days working at a wrecked guesthouse, painting signs. The caretaker was an old Burmese guy called Dan, who was the loveliest man. He would fill our days of work with mad comments such as telling us Cliff Richard is big in Burma and hum Smoke Over Water a lot, and on the last day he told us is name was actually Than not Dan (he had been meaning to tell us for over a fortnight!) I liked him a lot. So I set off to find him but the guesthouse was gone, replaced by fancy bungalows. I never found him. Also gone was the Apache bar where I spent my last night at Mr. Lee’s birthday bash, cavorting round the dance floor in a drunken state. I remember me and Bekkah, catching the ferry the next morning, with big old hangovers. In fact the island has changed so much it was hard to navigate myself around. There are things that are still the same though, one of which was my old guesthouse though the prices were not. Actually Phi Phi is a lot more expensive than I remember it. After a lot of searching, we managed to find a cheap room, which was okay apart from the couple above who came in every night drunk, and had really noisy, rough sex. I also went to find the Sunflower bar, which was our old hangout. It had just been a little wooden shack on the beach, but now it was a whole village complete with multi-level bar and tattoo parlor. I also tried out Deco and Rob’s completed toilet (Nice foundations boys, if not a little uneven!) I spent the whole of the first night there getting totally smashed with Jan. I did not go again after that. It was not the same for me. The gang was not there, not even Mel and Ben. There was no one to reminisce about old times with, apart from poor Jan who must have got fed up with all my stories. I felt sad!
Another thing that made me sad was all those bloody people! When I had been there, there were so few people, the beach was deserted. I had a bit of a shock when I went to the beach on the first day. It was crammed! All I could think was “Piss off! All of you!” At night it turned into the young posers playground (People on the prowl for a pull). I guest I’m past that stage now, but I looked at the young girls and thought, “Yes, that was me three years ago!” (God! I’m making myself sound ancient!) All that said, Phi Phi is still my favorite island in Thailand. It has a laid-back charm and beauty unlike any other. I was just there at a special time, under tragic circumstances and for that reason (even though I loved it so much) I hope that time never happens again.
After Phi Phi we were traveling for 24 hours and found ourselves in Kuala Lumpur. We arrived in the early hours of the morning, not knowing where the hell we were. We checked out a few scruffy but cheap guest houses complete with rats, in Little India, then after seeing a few more rats in the street decided to head to China Town. Only bloody problem is its bastard Chinese New Year and everywhere is full. After a good hour of searching with backpacks and sweating our arses off we find a room, which does not come with Rats included in the price!
We have now arrived in Singapore. I took Jan to Raffles last night to have a Singapore sling, which has to be done if you are in Singapore. I love Raffles; it’s just so grand with its old colonial style. Its just so Lady Warrington! Tomorrow we get the ferry over to Indonesia after deciding to skip our flight to Bali so we can start at the top of the country in Sumatra and work our way down. I do believe now, it’s going to get hardcore, so don’t expect to hear from me in a while!


OBSERVATIONS

• There are three people in my and Jan’s relationship. Actually two people and a thing. Me, Jan, and Nikon the camera. Nikon comes everywhere with us. In fact Nikon and Jan go out for hours together, for their “special time.” He even goes shopping with Nikon to buy her things! I’m not even allowed any where near her. Bitch!

• My hair is the color and now also the texture of straw!

• Jan seems to be eating our entire budget!

• I have the most scarred feet ever, which include Mozzie bites; blisters, cuts and car exhaust burns!

CHUI DUAY,CHAN JOM NAM!

Chui duay,chan jom nam! translated means "Help! I'm drowning!" It sums up exactly how I have felt at times during this last week with the family. Its been very hard at times and trying to keep everyone happy is so tiring, but we survived. The weddding day itself was a great day. Yuko looked stunning, Darren did a great speech in Japanese and English, and dad after a few drinks, told the Japanese car thief joke once again:
"What do you call a Japanese car thief?"
"Tommy took a motor!"
Of course none of Yuko's family got it and there was that tumble weed slience for a moment. We have parted ways now, after we were spoilt on our last night in Lamai in Koh Sumui when Mum and Paul paid for a lovely beach front bungalow for me and Jan. She said it was going to be our last bit of luxury for a long time and it bloody well is as I spent a fortune the week they were here. On our last night together I took Lil to see a lady boy show to keep her satisified as I wouldn't let her go and see a ping pong show as I didn't think it appropriate for nan's. She loved it in fact it was one of the high lights of the holiday for her. I don't know if Paul could say the same as the lady boys seemed to take a shine to him and kept hugging and kissing him. Darren and Jan stayed way and did "Man Things" like playing pool.
My mum broke her designer Gucci glasses. She is going to claim them on the insurance. She will have to fill out the form as follows, and I swear this is no word of a lie!

CAUSE OF DAMAGE TO ITEM:
Well I was on holiday in Thailand with my family and I was watching these elephants play football, and I was sat behind the goal post. The next thing one went to shoot and missed and hit me square on in the face and knocked me out and off my stool. I was wearing the sunglasses when this happened and it bent them in to! Oophs!

Me and Jan are now off to Phi Phi on our own and I think deep down, even with all the hassle I might just miss the family a little bit!

OBSERVATIONS

* I was walking in Lamai and came across a bar with a pole in the middle, and had a flashback to three years ago when I was last here, to me, Brown and Debs girrating round the very same pole totally smashed with a load Go-Go girls. Completely forgot about it. Wonder why.

* Went to a snake farm with Jan and put a burmese python round my neck. They are actually very cute. Might get one as a pet.

* Starting to turn a nice shade of brown. That one was just for all you pale ones back home!

* Yuko's dad had seen Laurence of Arabia years ago and thought because of it that all English people were serious and sensible. His view has now changed after meeting my family.

RETURN OF THE MOPED, THE ARRIVAL OF THE CLAN

In Asia you learn quickly that it is best not to look out the window when in a car or a bus.  You would only give yourself a heart attack, as they drive like a madmen.  This rule is a little harder to apply when on the back of  a moped.  Those of you who know my history with mopeds will know that we don't go together to well.  After Jan finished reading his book on Gangs in Britain, something else was needed to occupy him, so we hired a moped for the day.  The roads on Koh Samet are more like dirt tracks so it made for a bumpy ride.  It was all going well until Jan lost control and we were heading towards a bush.  I closed my eyes and for a split second all that went through my head was, cuts, bruising, ambulance, hospital, needle, stitches again!  I opened my eyes, to find that luckily we had got lodged in the bush which had stopped the bike from going over.  Thank you God!

We are now in Bangkok again and my family have now arrived.  I have spent half my life thinking what an ordinary background I have come from and that I wished I was from more interesting roots.  It is only in the last couple of years that I have come to realize that all my family are actually mad, especially when they are all together, and especially when they are abroad in a hot country (the heat sends them more insane)!  The last time we went away together as a family was more than 10 years ago so the arrival of the clan has had quite an impact.  I have had two days with them so far and I'm exhausted!  We went to the grand palace the other day which was mental and also took bloody ages to get from one spot to the other as there are so many of us.  I felt like a herder gathering their flock, especially with the two Nan's, Lil and Margaret.  We have also Yuko's mum with us who doesn't speak any English and we speak no Japanese.  So all in all it makes for an interesting time.  Well only one more week of it, then we probably have gone insane!  Actually there are more clan still coming for in a couple of days for the wedding.  Oh, Lord, have mercy on us!

Took Lil to see her brother's grave the other day at the Bridge on the River Kwai.  He went off to war when she was fourteen and she never saw him again.  He was twenty eight.  Lil has wanted to go since the 1950's.  So we had to take her.   Me, Jan and Paula took up the task.  We went on the local bus which she enjoyed lots and then took a Tuk Tuk which she enjoyed even more. She does not do bad for a seventy eight year old.  I had found his grave three years before when I was last here and was quite sure where it was among the 6,000 graves.  Of course when we get there I am totally wrong and we then spent the next hour in roasting sun searching all the graves.  We eventually found him and laid some flowers.  Lil had a little cry, though she tried not to let anyone see.  She's not very good at things like that.

Its Jan's birthday today.  He said we have do everything he wants today. Well, that's nothing bloody new is it!

OBSERVATIONS

* Lil has swollen feet from the plane but still manages to walk round the whole of Bangkok with high heels on.

* When my brother Darren said something is just round the corner it actually means a good half hour trek.

* Jan and Paula are in competition to see who can be the biggest brat.

* I want a dog.  We went to the weekend market and me and Paula went mad for all the little puppies.  

Paradise syndrome

A couple of days before I set out on this trip I went to meet friends in Ealing for goodbye drinks. It was not a great surprise to me, that they were all running late (you know who you are!) So, I didn't look like a total loser and to avoid any eye contact with the sleazy old drunk beside me at the bar, I acted cool and grabbed a stool and pulled out the Eveing standard magazine which
I had found lying around on the tube. As to waste as much time as possible I started reading every article on every page, which consisted of the same old rubbish, make-up, fashion, who's cool about town. It wasn't till I reached the end when I saw a article called "Paradise Syndrome" that something finally caught my interest. The piece went on to say that people today are bored of paradise. You see they get on their lovely remote exotic beach with lovely weather and food, in their nice huts, but all they seem to do is be texting back home or emailing to see how everyone else is doing. They then proceed to read an national paper that they have searched around for in a shop, and go and watch some western movies and premier football at night. "What a stupid article" I thought to myself, "nobody could ever be bored of paradise." Finding myself in "paradise" this week I have made a great effort not to conform to any of the symptons of the sydrome. I turned my phone off and refused to use the internet, but then I thought, how was I going to write my blog, surely my blog can't count as giving in. After a couple of days I had to turn my phone on, just in case of any important news from home, I had to be allowed that. Then I had a couple of drinks one night and Man U were playing Spurs. I was all relaxed so it would have been wrong not to have watched it and then we watched the last king of Scotland after that as there was nothing else to do in "paradise!" In truth its my last day here tomorrow on the beautiul sandy beaches of Koh Samet, and you know what I'm glad, as I am bored now. It maybe some peoples paradise and it was mine for a couple of days but I need more adventure than lazing around on a beach. My paradise is something different. So stick it "Paradise syndrome" up your ass!

OBSERVATIONS

* Russian woman are easy to spot as they wear very tight light denim 80's style hotpants that give them camels hoof!

* Thai women can still manage walking on the beach in kiten heels.

* I am now sleeping properley again. It was not insomnia!

* Jan is eating twice as much as he does in England. Might have to buy him two seats on the plane.

Koh Samet: Island of Burns

Jan told me that my last post was a bit boring. Well I don't like to make excuses but, I had jet lag and couldn't concentrate as I had some mad Swedish family next to me, who kept trying to pratice there bad English with me. Being the polite person that I am I smiled and indulged them, which is more than can me said for Jan who kept eating and pretending that they weren't there. Actually there are alot of Swedes here and I do find them all slighty mad. It must be the lack of sunlight over there or something.
We are now on Koh Samet which is the nearest island to Bangkok. It is not the best island I have been to in Thailand but it has a certain charm. Its plus points are its beautiful white sand and that is quite small so it is easy to get around. Like all of Thailand it has dirty old men with young girls and even boys, which seems to keep Jan amused for a minute or two as he keeps saying, "Look at those gays" and " Thats minging, he's old enough to be her grandad" really loud. Actually can't wait for the family to get here as at the moment I feel like I'm travelling with a twelve year old child who needs constant amusement. He can pick on Paula like he normally does, that will keep him busy. I might even buy him a rubber ring so he can go play in the sea and leave me to sun bathe in peace. Won't be sun bathing for a couple of days though as I have burnt my chest. Really angry with myself as I'm so careful usually. As well as the sunburn my legs have been savaged by the mozzies. At the moment you could do dot to dot on my legs. The little bastards!. They seem to leave Jan alone. I said thats because I taste so sweet! We have erected my Mozzie net by tying all our shoe laces together which apparently Jan had seen watching an episode of his much loved show Mac Gyver.
I shall now finish this post with observations. These are simply what they say they are observations. They need no explaination or meaning.

OBSERVATIONS

* It seems common pratice for Thai taxi drivers to down whole bottles of Thai whiskey in between fares!

* Some old people think it is entirely acceptable to still wear thongs! Some even do DIY by stuffing their swim wear between their arse cheeks.

* Still not sleeping properly. Nearly a month now. May have insomnia.

* Last night the hut next next door had a huge arguement as they were both really drunk and she had come back to find him with a Thai girl. Sparks flew, but very interesting to watch. Who needs telly.