This blog has become rather shit recently. I'm hardly posting at all, at the moment. There are a number of reasons for this. They are:
1. I spend 99.9% of my life at this time working! This means I do not have a social life anymore!
2. I have nothing to write about other than work! That's not to say there isn't anything to write about at work. It's just I'm not allowed to say anything about work! We have memos going round all the time not to say anything, even to your parents! My parents don't even watch the programme, they couldn't care less on the storyline unless it was Coronation street or Downton Abbey! It feels a little bit like a dictatorship or a bad episode of Big Brother (well that would be every episode then!) where some one is watching over you all the time. We live in fears of our lives! OK I'm being a bit dramatic now, but you get the picture don't you? Their quite strict!
3. I'm tired 99.9% of the time! And when I say tired I mean tired. It's that
That kind of tired where when you wake up in the morning it's painful! That kind of tired where your not in touch of reality anymore, just some zombie like state. That kind of tired where everything gets on your nerves, including people; even people that you really like. All they have to do is breath and there getting on your nerves!
4. I'm totally run down. This actually makes no sense! I'm living the healthiest life style I've had in years. I'm not really drinking, I'm eating good; not partying much and wait for it! Yes! I've joined a gym! I know me of all people has joined a gym! I'm a bit addicted actually. I go 3-4 times a week! All this said I have felt awful recently. My glands have been up; I have bags under my eyes and a mouth full of ulcers! Maybe I should go back to partying?
Luckily we were given a 2 week break from it all. I went back to London for my first week, after a long absence from the city. I found it tiring and stressful. I have no base anymore in the city and I found myself moving round from sofa to sofa at different friends houses. I didn't like not having a home in London anymore. I just wanted to get away.
Mariel my old housemate from Spain has been saying for years I could go and stay with her in Barcelona, but I had never taken her up on the offer, until now. So I booked myself onto one of those Easy jet flights and found myself in the much needed heat and sunshine of Barcelona.
Mariel lived 30 minutes outside of Barcelona by train next to the sea. She met me at the station and after a catch up drink at the local beach bar where we couldn't stay too long as she had parked her car illegally (this is why she got a lot of parking fines when she lived in London!) we got to her apartment, and to my delight I was to have a room of my own, and no more sofas!
Mariel had arranged for Anna who had also worked with us in Almeria earlier in the year, to come round for dinner that night. Anna is basically hot, (to be fair so is Mariel) and she tottered in, in the smallest pair of hot pants, tanned and beautiful, as ever. There is more to Anna than her looks, as she is warm, caring and cooks some mean food.
It being Spain, meant we were on Latin time and so we didn't start eating until after 10pm. 10 minutes later I can't eat anymore.
"Fuckin hell Tia! You have not eaten a lot" says Mariel.
* N.B Tia is a word used a lot in this post. In Spanish it's means aunty but is now used as slang, in the way we say love or I say love a lot. Tia is usually preceded a lot by "Fuckin hell" or "Bloody Hell" in a thick Spanish accent too, in this post!
Anyway where was I? Oh right Latin eating times. Well as I explained my English body was not use to it, as well as the heat and plus I was wearing a really cute 1950's skirt which felt like it had a 4 inch waist, thus food intake was restricted!
We spent the rest of the night talking and playing music, to the early hours of the morning. I knew then I had made the right decision coming to Barcelona.
I did the whole tourist sightseeing thing the next day, but to be fair I wasn't in the mood for much and my body was far too tired to be a tourist. After that I spent most of my days at the beach or by the pool, reading or listening to music. In the evenings, Mariel would return from work and we would sit and eat on the balcony or the chiringuito (which means Spanish beach bar) as we called it. We would have during these times the most indepth conversations for hours on end. During the conversations I realised that me and Mariel were more similar than I ever thought we were.
"Tia! We are the same tribe me and you."
Mariel is now seeing a Spainsh musician who is famous in Spain. He is handsome, fun, crazy and exciting, but through our conversations I always felt a tinge of sadness, that deep down inside this man would never quite give her what she needed. I saw myself in her, in pursuit of the highs and excitement, but always deep down inside knowing that there would never be a happy ending, as much as I try and convince myself there will be. I'm not stupid but I lie to myself all the time. I looked at Mariel. She is not stupid either, but I saw her lying to herself, just like I do.
Why do we do it to ourselves? Mariel summed it for me.
"The problem Tia is this! We go for Peter pan men!
"Peter Pan men?"
"Yes! Peter Pan men Tia! Men that are children, who don't want any responsibility, or commitment. Men that will never grow up!"
"Why?"
"Because we think and act like a child ourselves. We want to play, but we are not children, we are women in our 30's. We need to think as our adults."
Oh Jesus! I'm a child! I'd never thought of it like that, but the more I did the more it made sense, my behaviour, my decisions. I'm a child, a bloody child, and it's taken another child to tell me that! I went to bed that night, with a different out look on life, through getting to know Mariel better, and knew who I was more.
Through travelling and having foreign boyfriends I have got use to being around people that speak another language from me. I have often been excluded from conversations because of my lack of knowledge of other languages. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, I'm quite laid back and that's just the way it is, but because I have actually started to learn Spanish and love the Latin people and their way of life it bothers me that until I learn the language I will always be an outsider. I felt this especially in Barcelona. My whole time was spent with locals, Spanish speakers, and Mariel's friends, who were always lovely to me and spoke English when they could, but in general I could never truly be part of a conversation. It's frustrating when your such an expressive person like me, and not being able to express yourself. I never felt they really got to see the real me. I turn into this shy little blushing girl when I can't communicate and this is not the real me. I'm made of much more than that. All that said I had a great time, hanging out with Mariel and Anna; from retro dancing to drawing homemade tattoo's on ourselves.
Mariel had to go to her cousins wedding on the Saturday so as you would do with a child, she put me in the hands of Anna to be responsible of me for a night. Anna decided we should go clubbing. Too be fair, even though I class myself as a party girl I don't really do night clubs anymore, but I would never turn down the offer of going to one.
Anna met me at the metro and tossed me a helmet.
"We go to my house."
It was then I saw her scooter and helmet. Jesus! I thought, I'm going to get on a scooter with a tiny girl, who is wearing an even more tiny dress; how is this going to work? Luckily, Anna seemed to be an expert at moving around Barcelona at high speed, with passengers, in a Lycra mini dress on a scooter. After the usual girly thing of food, drinks, music and getting ready at Anna's, we left for the night club at the usual Latin time of 1.30am. We got free entry due to Annas friend, Nico, who we met up with. Anna looked hot to trot in tight jeans and a crop top, where as I felt like the tall gangly friend in the back ground, who no one took really much notice of. Luckily one of Anna's many suitors that night was the barman, which meant we got tons of free shots and in no time, I'm drunk and don't really care that I'm the giraffe of the group. After that the night becomes a little blurry, but as the sun came up and Anna was still chatting to the barman, I had got chatting to a group of Spanish guys who wanted me to go to an after party with them. Anna said no, and the next thing Mariel is being put on the phone to me telling me, I can't go either. Mariel is thinking in her adult and now I'm the child again, but the child that is listening this time. I go home with Anna, but not before she snogs the face of the bar man off, through the car window, while I pretend to make sick noises and put my finger down my throat. The child in me is definately out! We crawl into bed at 8.30am. So Latin!
At 2.00pm I'm woken by Anna.
"Come on Carly! We go thee beach! We meet Mariel. It's your last day. Get out of bed."
I feel like shit, but follow orders, slowly! After another crazy ride on a scooter with Anna, we arrive at the beach to find Mariel layout in all her topless glory full of tales from the wedding. I'm too hungover to follow any Spanish, so let them babble on, not caring what there saying, until there is a gasp and Anna starts ducking down. The barman from the nightclub is straight in front of us. I wonder why she doesn't call him over, but then I realise we are all topless and in bikinis, so it's probably not the best idea. I do tell Anna though, that's she's done well, as he has a body to die for. Anna is pleased with herself, but she isn't too fussed as the barman is plan B. Yes plan B people and I don't mean that stupid singer guy. It's seems that the barman is not the only guy in Annas life. she has another. Mariel informs me she has a plan B too. They tell me, ever girl needs a plan B to fall back on to and that I need a Plan B too. I tell them that a bloody plan A would be nice, before I start thinking of plan B. God! I think I need to take the Spanish girls approach to men.
I spent my last night in Barcelona at Mariel's grandmothers apartment as it was nearer the airport. It was a big sprawling apartment full of catholicism and works of art that looked like they should of been in the Prado. Me Mariel stayed up and ate pizza and had a final late night conversation. I realised I was going to miss my chats with her, as I felt like even though we are from a different country and different cultures, we understand each other entirely. We are the same tribe! As I said goodbye to her that night, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't want to leave. Coming to Barcelona was exactly what I had needed. I felt rested and happy once again, but I had also learnt a lot too, especially about myself.
Mariel said;
"Fuckin hell Tia! You want to live abroad, you come back to Barcelona and live here."
Maybe I will, I thought and that thought hasn't faded from my mind since!
