BLOODY MARVELLOUS!

A couple of days ago I went to a funeral. I have never been so glad that someone had died in my life, well apart from Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao and Barbara Cartland (It was wrong to let her go on looking like that!) I know it seems like a horrible thing to say, but I have my reasons. You see I was In Tana Toraja on the Island of Sulawesi which is famous for its traditional funerals. Its the whole reason people go there, so I guest I'm not the only person who has been there and was glad that someone died. In fact it was 2 peoples funeral, two brothers and actually they hadn't just died, they have been dead for two years. In Tana Toraja it is tradition to mummify the bodies and keep them in the family house until all the members of the family can be gathered together for the funeral. This means that bodies can lay in the house for a couple of years. I heard that one body was kept in the house for over 20 years until it could be buried ( I guest its a good way to get the kids to leave home early as no self respecting teenager is going to want to sleep next to their mummified Grandad!) So off we went, first to local market where you can pick up a live pig on a stick or a full grown buffalo to go and then to the local village where the houses are shaped like boats to see the funeral procession. It was unlike any other funeral I have ever been to. Yes people wear black but that's where thesimilarities end. Everyone is happy, singing and drinking palm wine. No one is sad. It is one big party, with free food like pork, spinach and chilli's instead of tea and crap sandwiches. To top it all off you get buffalo fighting as entertainment. I wish funerals were like this in Britain. Actually I might put it in my will to have my funeral, Tana Torja style, but without the mummified stuff and waiting around for years to be buried, as that's just creepy. The funerals usually last for 5 days with gifts being brought on day 2 and 3 and the actual burial on the 5Th day. We returned on the 4th day again as that was the day Jan most wanted to photograph. It was slaughter day! One of the most common gifts are buffalo's and pigs which are then slaughtered and given to the local villagers for a banquet. Yousef told us that 20 buffalo's were to be slaughtered that day. It was something that i was not really looking forward to seeing, but then I thought, I bloody eat meat and don't really think how it gets on to my plate, its not like the sodding fairies bring it. It was time to see reality, and not some prepackaged crap on a Tesco shelf. I will tell you now it was not for the faint hearted or vegetarians. There was more blood than a Tarantino movie, but instead of feeling repulsed or sick I was totally absorbed. Ever buffalo that came up and then had it's throat slit I watched with the interest until a strange disappointment came over me that there was no more, when it ended. I guest I must be quiet a bloodthirsty person inside.
Oh lord I have sinned, well I haven't, it was Jan but he also made me party to it. It all started when we were back in Makkasar and he received an email from a small company who needed promotion photo's of makkasar for holiday tours. Jan when off straight away taking photo's. He returned a few hours later with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to tell me that he had ended up at five star hotel and asked to photograph the pool for a magazine. The next thing he knew the manager was called down to speak to him. He asked him what magazine Jan was working for and the first thing that came into his head was "Travel Asia." (only the biggest bloody travel mag in Asia) The manager was delighted and showed him round the hotel himself and asked if he wanted to come back in the evening to photograph some more. He dragged me along this time and I cringed as Jan was giving out all this crap about his assignment. Then to make things worse the Manager invited us to a free, 3 course meal. I could of died! Jan of course maxed it and ordered fish and king prawns and drink after drink. I just felt like a fraud, but I ate the free meal all the same and drank the drinks. well it would be stupid not to. Whats that saying, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
We are now back in Bali, in Kuta or as I like to call it "shit hole." Its full of drunken teenagers and chav's, with locals who hound you all the time to buy some crap or another. We leave tomorrow for Oz and I can't wait, which is a shit way to end Indonesia as I have bloody loved it here, its just that Kuta is not the real Indonesia. I will be back, still got so much to see of the country, but that is for another adventure.

OBSERVATIONS

* Jan nearly got stoned to death by a local after he refused to buy what she was selling, so she threw a rock at him. He said she was just plain crazy but knowing him he probably said something offensive to her.

* Jan is better at lying than I thought. Should I be worried!

* All the locals say "Hello Mr" to you all the time. I have given up trying to tell them its "Miss!" as its just to dam tiring!

* The tan is fading as it has rained non stop for the last three days.

* I have found a cheap bottle of gin and got some tonic. It should take my mind off the weather.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY

Estee Lauder once said that "There are no ugly women in this world, just lazy ones!" Well Miss Lauder forgot to put into this equation a woman without amenities. For example a woman who has slept on a deck of a boat for 4 days, which has no shower, a hole into the ocean for a toilet, which makes all her clothes damp, then she takes a 12 hour journey on a crap local bus, on which she throws up a total of 4 times, to arrive at her destination in the rain, stays in a damp room, with no hot water, to takes another crap bus the next day, to a village that has no running water (All she wants is a sodding shower!), stays in a flea bit of a guest house, climbs another bloody volcano, gets back, still no water, catches another bus, arrives in a crap port town, gets a boat, its covered in cockroaches, sleeps on deck again (less cockroaches!), lots of locals spit on deck (Not nice), clothes now smell like someone died in them! This is a very ugly woman indeed, this is a woman without amenities, this woman was me! Luckily I haven't seen to many mirrors in the last 2 weeks and then you just get past the point of actually caring. You will be glad to know that we have arrived in the city of Makkasar in Sulawesi and have managed to have all our clothes cleaned and had a shower, so now feel human again, but the last 2 weeks have been quite tough. I'm not complaining though as I think I have seen this world at it most beautiful recently and the roughness is part of the enjoyment as well. As said went on a boat for a couple of days from Lombok to Flores. The leaflet that advertised the trip was very interesting with its spelling and description of our journey ahead, with such sentences as:
"Ficture of boat"
"Meet the daragoons" (means see the Komodo dragons)
And my favourite "Have meal together like one big happy family"
There were nine passengers in total, me, Jan, the two Swiss guys, Jurge and Daniel, who we met on Rinjani, a Danish girl called Tania (Scared of spiders), an American, Chris (Looked like Jesus), a Canadian, Jason (Rob Mayors twin), and a Dutch couple, Ninca and Staso (completely mad). Over the next 4 days through snorkeling to komodo Dragons (The dragons did not seem to do much!) we all seem to bond. When we arr ivied at our destination Tania and Chris left us and the rest of continued around Flores taking on bad Beamo drivers (Taxi's), rip off merchants and terrible guesthouses together. We travelled nearly 2 weeks together and in the end we became that "one big happy family", if not an unlikely one. When we went our separate ways it was a sad loss. We are still travelling with the Swiss guys and have hooked with a French girl called Alice who is cool. Tonight getting a night bus (Not again!) to Tana Toraja, 8 hours north, where they slaughter a lot of Buffalo's, have open graves and some other mad traditions. Can't wait!

OBSERVATIONS

* Jan has started telling the locals he is from South Africa and that it is a very poor country, because he thinks they will rip him off less. No comment!

*All Indonesia men seem to do, is spit and chain smoke.

* Indonesians live in very poor shack houses but still manage to afford a satellite Ariel for their TVs.

* Don't go to weight watches come to Asia. Me and Jan have both lost weight, which is good for Jan as I was worried that we could not afford the 2 seats for him on the plane.

SHIT HAPPENS!

I often ask myself, why do I go travelling? What is it, that I am looking for? What do I want to get out of it? I like to tell myself and others, that it is a sense of adventure, that I seek. So to prove this point I decided it would be good to climb the second highest volcano in Indonesia, Mount Rinjani in Lombok. Those of you who know me well, will remember that me and mountains don't really go together too well. I have enough trouble staying on my feet when I am on a flat surface, so anything other than horizontal becomes quite dangerous for me (I blame my balance on having small feet for my height!) This time though I was determined that it would not get the better of me. We started the 2 day hike at 7.00am after being picked up at 4.00am for a 2 hour drive there. Along for the ride were a Canadian couple Dave and Jenni who we had met on the ferry on the way over to Lombok and so this was a merry little troop. I was not best equipped in my crap converse trainers and linen trousers but I figured if the guide could climb in a pair of flip flops I had no excuse, and climb we did, 2,600ft of bloody climb! After marching through mud and rain and what seemed to be an ongoing asthma attack for me, we finally reached the base camp just before dark. I was cold and wet and had the luxury of sleeping on top of a mountain in a tent that smelt like those old people that piss themselves. We then proceeded to be attacked by monkeys while having dinner, who were after our food. Well a least we have a camp fire to warm and dry ourselves off, I thought. I took off my Converse and put them next to the fire to dry out. A couple of minutes later I felt smelt a strange smell and looked down. "Shit!" I had set my shoe on fire. I quickly picked it up and rubbed it in the mud only to find a huge hole in the side! I counted to ten and decided it was best to go to bed before anything else happened. After a sleepless night listening to people snore and a local who had been apparently taken over by a demon and was chanting all night, we were woken by our guide a 4.00am again to continue the track to the top in the dark to see sunrise. Oh my god I thought I was going to die it was so hard. After being the last one to the top and missing sunrise as I was so slow I was still proud that I had made it to the summit and that the worst must be over with. How wrong I was! What goes up must come down, but I wish coming down was not so painful. The crap converse which now had a hole in the side the size of the Titantic's were staring to fall apart and so was I. Every 2 seconds I kept falling down getting more bruised and cut each time. Jan and the guide had to hold each of my hands and guide me down only for me to fall still, into a ditch with only my legs sticking up in the air. I eventually made it down and could see base camp in sight and thought I was home free until I lost my balance again and put my hand down into a bush to steady myself. It just so happens that was also the place where somone had decided to relieve themselves in the night! Yes thats right! I put my hand down right into a human shit! I laughed, then Jan was laughing, then I told him to piss right off and stormed off. I sat crying for a minute and told myself that wasn't this what I had come looking for, adventure? I laughed. Then I thought about it again and cried!
After the horror of the volcano we find ourselves in the Gilli islands, which are paradise. White sand, turquoise sea and great chill out bars. There are no police here so people just seem to be on magic mushrooms and stoned all the time. Its very funny. Now that I can walk again and the cuts are healing we are off tomorrow on a boat for 4 days(Which we are sleeping on the deck of to save money!), to Komodo Island to see the famous dragons. Lets just hope they don't shit near me!

OBSERVATIONS

* I think I am cursed as well as the cuts, shit and setting shoes on fire I have also been stung my jelly fish and broke my sunglasses in the last couple of days.

* My hair seems to be going afro.

* Jan has become obsessed with monkeys after to we went to Monkey Forest in Ubud, Bali. He has now lots of dirty Monkey pictures after they just kept humping in front of us.

* All my clothes, smell really bad!