HAPPY

I've been feeling really low of late.  I've had a few knocks recently, that have found me in that dark, negative frame of mind that I said I didn't want to go back to any more.  This long cold winter doesn't help either.  It doesn't seem to end.  I have never been more desperate to see the spring in my life.  Some of my friends of noted my recent sadness, and one asked me what made me happy?  She told me to say the first things that came into my head, no matter how small, and to list them and say why. I am told it makes things more clear in your head.  So here is my list and my reasons:

MY FAMILY

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The corny and obvious choice, but its true and they will be always first on my list.  From the begining, I was the odd one out, and never really fitted in, in warrington, but that doesn't mean I don't love them.  They ground be and make realise the important things in life.  They are always there for me, and I can't tell you the amount of times I have turned up feeling like a train wreck, but by the time I am ready to leave they have made me strong and ready to take what ever life deals out again. They can be crazy, mad, and annoying, but I love them all dearly.

TRAVELING
Its funny how there are certain things that people take to, like a duck to water.  Thats what happened to me with traveling.  When I was a child I use to love looking at the screens in the airport and get excited by all the different destinations people were going to all over the world, and I always couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that Alicante was mine!  I didn't get the chance to go traveling properly until I was 25, but I have made up for it since.  I'm in love with it, maybe even a little bit addicted!  My travels have given me some of the happiest times of my life and I have seen things that will stay with me until my dying day.  I am need of another big trip.  I'm thinking South America is on the cards soon.  Here is some of the best moments so far:

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FLOWERS

I have grown up around flowers, with my mum being a florist.  I just think they are the most beautiful things and love to be surrounded by them.  I love buying flowers and try to go down to Columbia Road flower Market when I can, especially in the summer, when I like to cycle down on my bike wearing a very short dress that flashes my knickers to the whole of Hackney.  The best thing in the world though is to receive flowers, something that an ex of mine use to do a lot, especially when he had done wrong, but when I received those flowers I could never see any of his wrong doings anymore.  Funny that!  Boy! He knew how to work me.

BOOKS

Apart from running the animal sanctuary when I get old, I would also like to be a part time librarian, just so I can be surrounded by books.  I'm totally obesessed with them, and they probably make up most of my belongings in this life.  I always reading, and usually have three books on the go at once.  At the moment they are: Carter beats the devil by Glen david Gold; A thousand Splendid sun's by Khaled Hosseini and a historical biography on Lucrezia Borgia by Sarah Bradford.  I was totally devastated recently when Borders became another casualty of the recession, as I could often be found in there, sat looking through a book, usually in the history corner, which always raised a few eyebrows with a tall blonde, looking a bit out of place with the usual balding, geeky middle age men that normally frequent that aisle.  Well you should never judge a book by its cover!  Did you see what I did there?  Anyway my favourite books are The star of the Sea by Joseph O'Connor; The Curious incident of the dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon; Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts and The CrimsonPetal and the White by Michel Faber.  I would sell my soul to the devil if I could right anything a fraction as good as these novels.

UNDERWEAR

You can look as rough as hell on the outside, but if you are wearing good underwear underneath you feel great on the inside.  When I broke up from my ex one of the first things I did was go out and buy a load of new underwear, just to make myself feel better, and you know what?  It worked as well.  I'm always popping into Agent P or Selfridges when I'm in town working, but most of the time I just have to window shop at those prices.  I shouldn't have such expensive tastes? My favourite of course is Agent Provocateur, its just so sexy but classy at the same time.  I feel so good wearing their stuff.  I also love Myla, La Perla, What Katie did, Coco De Mer and of course you can't beat good old M&S.

WRITING

As I sit here and write these words, I am happy.  Writing is something that has come only to me later in life.  I find great solace in it.  I don't always say the right things or express myself in the right way in this life, but with writing I find a great freedom in putting out my feelings without interruption or feeling insecure with them.  It has become like a form of therapy for me.  I have note pads all around the place filled with feelings, thought, observations and sometimes nothing of importance at all.  Before I die I have said I will write a book, and you know what?  I really believe I will, when the time is write.

THE SECRET INGREDIENT

My housemate Alex is a PA for a living.  This means she doesn't inform people of things like a normal person would.  Everything from "What are you doing tonight" to arranging the house hold items, comes in the form of a memo.  She even sends them to me when we are in the same room together, instead of actually talking to my face.  I've become quite use to it now, and most days I find a new memo in my in box.  It was one of these memo's that I opened one day, that informed me she had booked a party of 10 of us into the Secret Ingredient.  The Secret Ingredient was the first of the now in Vogue Supper clubs that have sprung up in the capital in the last couple of years.  A supper club is where you have a slap up meal but rather than eating in a restaurant you dine at the chef's home.  The venue for this meal was a small ex council flat in Newington Green, owned my the master chef of the evening: Horton Jupiter (Yes!  I asked him if that was his real name and apparently it is!)  In fact we have met  Mr Jupiter on a few occasions before, as he is the lead singer in the band , which we have been to see a couple of times: They came from the stars, we saw them. He is also a friend of my housemate Angus and Andy our waiter for the  evening had turned up at our New Years Eve party, which I don't quite know how or why, but thats a common thing with people appearing in our house, but anyway lets get down to the most important thing:  The food!  The menu is vegetarian Japanese with about eight courses, which included quail egg soup, seaweed wraps and tofu soya dumplings among others.  It was all pretty amazing and all the more due to the fact that Horton has never been to Japan, he just likes the food and has taught himself.  The dinner chat was all totally inappropriate as usual, and washed down well with shots of Sake.  It was such a good night we have decided to form are own new club called the C U next Tuesdays, which will always meet and do a social activity on a Tuesday.  I think the C.U.N.T club might catch on?
The Secret Ingredient: £26.50  7- 11pm
For more information on The Secret Ingredient check out their Facebook page here or Email: thesecretingredienthq@googlemail.com

A QUESTION OF LOVE

God its Valentine's day tomorrow, the day that very single person seems to dread.  It will be the first time I have been single for the day in two years, not like that matters.  My ex never wanted to celebrate the day anyway, as he thought it was commercial rubbish, but on reflection, I just think he was too cheap to want to do anything.  I guess it is a day like any other as I never done or received anything memorable, apart from one thing.  Years ago a boyfriend of the time, made me a home made Valentines card.  It consisted of a heart cut out with his face behind it, him sticking out his tongue.  He had decorated the outside with pink and white rolled up balls of tissue, or maybe toilet paper!  I still have it hidden away somewhere and ever now and again, I come across it and it brings a smile to my face.  It was and still is the most heartfelt gift I have ever received and reminds me of a time I was very much in love.
Valentine's day also has other significance for me:  It almost marks a year of me being single.  Sometimes it feels like a life time ago and then there are times it only feels like yesterday.  It was a split that left me confused, sad, and questioning what love really was?  The year in between has seen many ups and downs in my quest to find out what love was again.  Some men have made me cry, feel cheap, and worthless.  Others have given me hope, confidence and understanding.  I have been told my three men this last year that I mean a lot to them and they totally adore me, but they never adored me enough, as they would have never let me go out of their lives, so their words are meaningless.
So I sit here on the eve of Valentines, alone but happy.  I have finally learnt again to feel happy in my own company, the desperation and the loneliness that I have felt in recent times have disappeared.  I am now content, so from now on I'm not looking for love anymore, it can bloody well find me.

CUP CAKE BIRTHDAY

The other week it was Alex's birthday, so we decided to have a dinner party.  Oli cooked a fine roast and Alex made loads of cup cakes which she forgot to the to the icing for, so I got left doing it at the last moment dressed in a pair of hot pants and heels before our guests arrived.  Luckily I finished them in time and the icing if I say so myself was pretty bloody good.  Note to one's self:  Must cook in hot pants more.  The wine flowed; Alex got a great cake from patisserie valerie; the cats loved all the attention (again!) and the cup cakes got put to good use?  I can't decide who is worse:  Me or Alex?  Answers on a postcard please.