THE GIRL JUST CAN'T HELP IT!

So people I am writing you this post, sat on the concrete floor (Oh the glamour!) outside Cancun airport, Mexico, drinking my first of what I feel could be many Margaritas to come, as I'm going to be sat here for the next 2 hours waiting for a bus! Not like it bothers me ( God though it's bothering most of the Americans here, who are screaming at the poor little Mexican guy who sells the tickets and are demanding to know why the buses are sold out and why there are not more)! Actually this is why I come traveling; the chaos; the non routine; the not knowing what's going to happen next. God I love it! In fact I'm addicted! Totally and utterly! And it seems to be getting worse. Even though I've spent more time out of the country this year than in it, I had a couple of weeks back in London, I got bored with life; the winter set in and I got itchy feet. I found myself in WH Smith or waterstones again looking at traveling guides longer than I should; I was reading the Guardians travel pull out section with excitement and I was trying to convince my friends on a trip abroad that I knew they would never do! After many failed plans of departing, I had almost given up, when Oli and Alex ( or as they are now known Olex!) my housemates announced they were going to Mexico for a couple of weeks, and did I want to join them? Dam right I do! Besides Olex are completely mad so I knew it would be quite an experience, no matter what.

Now your probably going to find this slightly strange due to the amount of traveling I do, but I'm actually scared of flying, especially landing and take off. I'm convinced every time I get on a plane it's going to crash! Now the Aussie Dingo's introduced me to Valium in the Colombian jungle and I found it an amazing experience. Since then I learnt that Angus and Oli have a supply and now and again I pop one when I am full of cold and can't sleep (bliss)! Oli informed me he had some for the trip. Due to the fact that I was getting myself into a state, thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about again (story of my life) and the fact that I'm getting on on a flight, I board the plane a complete anxious mess!
"Oli give me a valium now!"
The next thing I know I wake up God knows how long later, with a woman sat next to me who wasn't there when we took off and a tray of congealed food in front of me. I'm completely spaced out and I'm not really sure what's going on, buts that OK, because my anxiety has completely gone. I'm just sat there with this warm relaxed feeling in my head, though Olex said they just kept turning around in their seats seeing me looking into space like a zombie!
Now we got cheap flights because we had to have a lay over in Minneapolis. Now I don't know much about the place, so I could be being unfair here but one word I would use to describe Minneapolis is, grey. Then the next word I would use to describe it is? Grey. And then after that the next word I would use to describe it is? Yes that's right; Grey! It's so depressing, it makes Warrington look like Saint Tropez! The one good thing though about the place is, it does have the biggest mall in America! And yes what does mean? Victoria's Secrets! Remember my time in Miami? How I found VS and how it changed my life by giving me breasts for the first time in my life in a bikini! We don't have VS in the UK, so this was my chance! Me and Alex raced into the shop.
Shop Assistant: Hi there, can I help you?
Me: Yes, can you tell me where the bikini's are?
SA: I'm afraid we don't have any bikini's yet.
Me: What!
AS: It's December. We don't get them until the summer starts.
Me: Really! But I'm going to Mexico tomorrow and I need one!
AS: I'm sorry.
Me: Well Top Shop do swimwear all year round. Do you have Top Shop here?
AS: Sorry I don't know what Top Shop is. I've never heard of it.
What, she doesn't know what Top Shop is. Never heard of it! Don't have it. What kind of civilisation is this? We spend the rest of our time at the mall a little down beat and trying not to let Alex make rude comments about fat people (she has a thing about fat people)!
Olex got an earlier flight to Cancun than me and so this how I find myself a lone at the airport, waiting for a bus to try and meet them in Tulum, waiting for my Mexican adventure to begin, but if I'm truthful on an adventure I can't really afford, but hey the girl just can't help it.

After I wrote the above and as I am now sober this is what followed:
I had more Margaritas; got very drunk; met some cool girl called Jet who own's a hotel out here and said I could stay there; met some American hippies who hoola hooped while waiting for the bus; got the bus; had to change buses; had to wait again; started on the Corona's; got some muscly young Mexican guys to open them with their lighters; got chatting to some old Mexican dude who was trying to teach me Mayan; got to Tulum; my phoned died of battery; tried too drunkenly get my charger out of my rucksack and that's when Alex found me a little worse for wear, but that's OK because so was she, as she and Oli had been on the Margarita's too, as they had bumped into Oli's friend from England (small world); so we all went and had more Margaritas together and have called ourselves team Tulum! The end! No its not! It's only the beginning. Ha ha!

A WEEK WITH THE FAMILY

I love my family; I really do, but God they drive me nuts! The reason for this cannot be clearly defined, as there seem to be more than one, as I found out last week, as I finally journeyed north for a visit, after being continually berated, on how Shit I was as a daughter as I'd only been home once this year. I did point out I'd spent most of the year out of the country rather than in it. This still didn't seem to make any difference: I was still shit in their opinion. I shall now list why I it is impossible for me to spend long period's of time with the family without tearing by hair out.

1. Well let's start with the fact, that my mother and my Nanna Lil, seem to forget that I have actually lived away from home for nearly 12 years and I am capable of doing things for myself! Example
Lil: Do you want me to do your washing for you?
Me: No it's OK Lil, I'll do it myself.
Lil: But you won't know how to work the washing machine.
Me: Funnily enough Lil, I do this job called costume, where we use a thing called a washing machine every day, so I think I'll be able to handle it.
Lil: Don't be cheeky!

2. I am made to endure a marathon of crap telly. For a me working in crap television is enough, I don't want to watch it as well! It's starts with Home & Away, then Emmerdale, then Coronation Street, then maybe a bit of Eastenders depending on their mood and all this is finished off with I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. I knew I'd seen enough when I realised I'd been brainwashed and started to find Mark Wright, on I'm a Celeb attractive. The man is a thick Chav! Unfortunately this affliction since I have got back to London has not gone away and I find myself secretly looking at The Only way is Essex clips on You Tube to have a good perv at him! What the hell has happen to me?

3. The music! My family only seem to listen to local radio stations, which only have a playlist compromising of bad 80's and 90's songs. If I attempt to play any music of mine (ie something decent) I am met with the response " What's that rubbish your playing"?
Rubbish! Rubbish! Just because they have no taste in music!

4. I usually get roped into helping my mother and sister with their decoration and flower business. Now this does not bother me, the work aspect. It's the fact they I get covered in feathers and glitter in the process. I hate glitter and no one wants to get covered in feathers. I'm still finding glitter on my jumper now. I feel like bloody tinker bell!

5. It is impossible to have a lay in. You are usually woken by my mum shouting at my sister; my sister shouting at my mum; a dog jumping on me and licking my face; my sister coming in and shouting something nice like "Get up mong!"; my mum asking me if I want a drink or Nanna Lil wanting to know what I want for dinner that night (Why that is so important at eight in the morning when she has all day to ask me, I don't know why)?

6. The dog! Now I don't hate the dog. I love the dog, but a dog is meant to be a dog, not dressed in terrible clothes, with it's own wardrobe and treated like a baby. I am partially to blame for this, as it was my idea to get my sister one for her 30th due to the fact it was going to be a traumatic landmark birthday for her, which meant it would be for all of us. Mum and Paul were a bit opposed to the idea at first, but it's seems they are now just as bad as my sister in treating the dog as a child. You also can't leave anything lying around as the dog also functions like a vacuum cleaner and will hoover up anything in its path. This includes wine (actually all alcohol); tea; coffee; chocolate and as I found out, much to my horror, a whole chicken leg bone, which I managed only to prise half of it out of her mouth. Three days later I get a phone call from my sister to say the dog is in the vet's, maybe awaiting an operation and if she dies, it will be my fault! My fault! How is it my fault that the dog is stupid enough to consume something nearly bigger than itself. It's not like I forced it down her. All I did was put a chicken drum stick down for two seconds! Well you will be glad to know the dog did not die and is alive and well, still yapping a lot and still being abused by being dressed up in stupid clothing!

7. Nanna Lil and her boyfriend. Now I'm all up for older people having a love life, just not when I'm trying to watch the television and their sat on the sofa next to me. Lil is being a diva and playing hard to get, the boyfriend is like some love sick puppy and keeps trying to hug her and I'm trying to pretend that I'm not noticing anything going on by playing a game on my phone, as I can't watch the telly anymore as they have changed the programme to something they like, which is Midsummer Murders!!!!! Or maybe the real reason I have a problem with it, is because my 80 year old grandmother has a better love life than me! What is the world coming to?

I know that I sound like the most horrible person ever now, after what I have just wrote, but isn't the truth of the matter, that the people you love the most, do drive you insane and I do love my family more than anything else in the world. I just can't live with them.