THE THREE AMIGOS: CHINA

 

THINGS THAT WORK, THAT REALLY SHOULDN'T WORK

1. Prawn cocktail crisps (Think about it! It's not right)! 
2. Alan Rickman being sexy as Hell in Robin Hood Prince of thieves (First real crush: I know! I'm weird)! 
3. High waisted skinny jeans (Now I know not everyone is going to agree with this one, but Hey! It's my blog, so what I say goes)! 
4. Goggle box (Who ever knew watching a TV programme of other people watching TV programmes could be so entertaining)! 
5. Me, Charlie and Kyle!

We can never tell in life who we will bond with, but if you told me I was going to have a close friendship with Kyle and Charlie when I first moved into their warehouse in Hackney wick, I might of laughed at you. Kyle was moody with bad taste in music, an addiction to violent Play Station games,and on occasion, when he got too drunk, would stand on a chair in the early hours of the morning singing at the top of his voice the songs from Les Miserables. Charlie would come out of his room and tell him to "Shut the f**k up!"  Charlie was a Essex boy that dressed like Johnny Cash and had the rock n roll attitude to match. I would usually wake up most weekends to find him passed out on the sofa fully dressed; leather jacket zipped up and shoes still on. When he regained consciousness he would usually discover that he'd lost a phone, a wallet or had been fleeced at a night club. Basically I had moved into mayhem, with (in most people's eyes) the housemates from Hell! The reason though, why it worked was because I am Mayhem too! So we lived in our little world of Mayhem for two and a half years like a dysfunctional family, until the day came that we had to go our separate ways. Kyle and Charlie moved out the same week and the day they left I cried all the way to work on the tube, with stoney faces looking back at me thinking "What the Hell is wrong with this girl?" It wasn't the same after they left. Believe me I could of killed them most of the time, but I missed waking up to Charlie passsed out on the sofa and moaning at him for never buying toilet roll!  I missed coming home from work to the sounds of Kyle massscaring people on the PlayStation while listening to Nicki Minaj (I said he had shit taste in music)!  I missed the mayhem. 

 

Kyle moved in with his boyfriend but stayed in London and we see each other all the time. Charlie on the other hand moved to the other side of the world, to Shanghai to be with his girlfriend, Joanne (she's a total legend) who is Taiwanese and who lived there. The three of us had not been re-united since the boys moved out, so when I decided it was time to go on an adventure again the first stop for me was Shanghai and Charlie! Kyle just didn't want to miss out, so came along for the ride too. Mayhem was coming to China!

Now I've travelled a lot, but never in the whole of my travels have I ever been upgraded. It's the stuff of dreams, but dreams are never reality. I'm tall with long legs! I'm 5'10 in fact! Economy is not kind to tall people. You feel like a batttery chicken cooped up! On flights they torture you by making you walk past first and business class and you look longingly at seats with leg room! So when I came to the gate to board the flight, I was frozen when the guy typed in my boarding pass for ages and then turned to me and said: "You have been upgraded!"  I'm frozen "Is that a problem?" He asks. "Hell no!" is my response, still expecting him to turn round and say it a joke!  I board the flight beaming from ear to ear! I enter business,  looking like a scruffy new age hippie back packer and I'm handed a glass of champagne. I find my seat which is next to a very snotty looking woman dressed head to toe black; Cashmere roll neck and Louis Vuitton bag. I point to me my seat next to her, to indicate that I need her to move. She eyes me with horror! She reluctantly moves and I sit in my seat and down my champagne! I indicate to the hostess for another with a look of distain from Louis Vuitton woman. I sit back in my chair with loads of leg room drinking champagne happy in the knowledge that I haven't paid for this privellege at all, while the woman next to me has probably paid through the roof! Stick that one up your back side Louis Vuitton woman! I'm loving life!  The boys are already waiting for me at the airport when I arrive. It's like I saw them yesterday (actually that's the case with Kyle)! We board the fastest train in the world to take us into Shanghai but we really don't notice this as we are talking so much, so it's over before we know it!  Charlie lives in the centre of Shanghai right near the river Bund. His building is an old Art Deco building which has seen better days. We walk into the lobby to find some old Chinese women (average age 100) doing their excerises! When I say excerises it's more like they are playing an invisible key board. Charlie tells me they are still trying to keep their chi alive! Well normally they would, but right at that moment I think their a bit more confused about three tall westerns being in their lobby. We get the lift up, though it looks like it's going to break down at any moment. The corridor is grim! So much so I start to call it the corridor of doom due to it being dark, dirty and with wire work hanging everywhere. I'm getting nervous about what the Hell Charlie's apartment will look like. A hotel seems a good option at that moment. He opens the door and we are in for a pleasant surprise. It's like some New York loft apartment. I'm totally taken back! Lesson learnt. First impressions are misleading. I should know that by now?

 

I'm not going to lie; before I came to China, the Chinese as people in my mind were not rated top of the friendly list of nations. They have a reputation for being rude, aggressive and ill mannered and I can still see why that comes across, but to truly understand the Chinese you have to come to China! China has the biggest population in the world with 1.4 billion people at the last count. There isn't a space that hasn't been filled or takened over by people. I've never seen so many people! They are everywhere! Hustling and bustling through everyday life. Basically it's a God Dam rat race, and when life is a rat race with that many people you don't have time for niceness or manners. You have to cut off from it all a bit. You have to learn: "Not to give a Shit!" The Chinese have really perfected the art of not giving a shit. The reasons I say that are:

1. They smoke everywhere, even next to signs that say "Don't smoke!" Why? Because they really don't give a shit!
2. Everyone drives electric bikes, that make no noise which they all drive on the pavements, so you nearly get run over at least 20 times a day. This risk is higher at night as they refuse to put on their lights to save the battery, which means not only can't you hear the bloody bikes you can't see them either! You will also be tripped up a lot on the street by the cables used to charge the bikes. All of this is because: they don't give a shit!
3. Queuing is not a concept in China. It confuses them. They will just push in front with out a care in the world, because they really don't give a shit! 
4. You can't take too many good photos in China as the rule getting out of the way for someone taking a shot means zero here. Your photos are just full of Chinese people taking rubbish selfies! They God Dam love a selfie here to the point of extreme vanity, but you know what? That's right people, they don't give a shit!
5. Ok I've seen people spit on the streets in England. I don't like it but it happens. The Chinese are the premiere league of spittting. In fact it's not spitting! It's like some one is hacking up their entire gut and ejecting it from their mouth! There were points I thought they were going to spit out an intenstine or a lung or something like that! They do it anywhere: while your on the street, at your feet; when your in the toilet; while their mid conversation and while your eating. Oh and you want to know why? Yes that's right! They truly, truly do not give a shit what I think, what you think, what anyone else thinks, not even God himself thinks because the Chinese have truly perfected the fine art form of not giving a shit and for that; China I salute you!

 

 So there you have it: the art of not giving a shit!  Not giving a shit became an interesting and important factor in my travels in china. No more so than when I got woken up at 7.30am, feeling a bit hungover by an excited Kyle. Now believe me this doesn't normally happen. Kyle is usually pretty awful in the mornings. It takes about 2 coffees and half a dozen cigarettes before he's even responsive, but we had  agreed to something awful the night before. Charlie had taken us out with his South African friend, jake, for food and then Joanne and jakes girlfriend came and met us for drinks. We ended up in some student bar called Perry's listening to crap music and playing drinking games with Chinese dice. At some point some one had mentioned there was a Disneyland in Shanghai. Kyle got super excited by this because he's not normal and wanted to go. Somewhere in this drunken haze we all thought this was a good idea and agreed to it. At the time it seemed like the greatest idea. The next morning it seemed like Hell! But agreed to it we had! So off we went! 

   

 Now as I said, the Chinese don't really queue, so when you turn up at a place like Disneyland where the whole concept is about queuing most of the day, this puts the fear of God into me. We get to the first ride to find a staff member with a sign saying "180 mins queue time!" "What the Hell! I'm not queuing for that length of time! It's ridiculous!" Is my first response. I'm over ruled and I'm left with no choice but to queue or sit on my own. I decide to queue. Charlie tells me it will be a bonding experience! I guess that's one way of putting it! In the queue the Chinese are queuing, but it's queuing not as we know it!  It's more like a game of risk and defending your territory against the invaders. At any moment they will try and move a head of you. They also like to be right up against your back, completely in your personal space as, in some way they believe that pushing at you will make the queue go faster. It doesn't! The rest of the day is spent queuing more; buying an over priced burger; trying not to throw up on the Chinese guy next to me on the rollercoaster and buying Kyle a women's jumper with "I love my guy!" Written on it and Minnie Mouse on the back (what in Gay Hell!) which he insisted wearing round the whole of China! So all in all another dysfunctional family day out! 

   

 I'm history geek! I make no apologies for this. Ever since I was a kid I've read books on the history's of the world and now I'm an adult I've made it my thing to try and see as many of them with my own eyes. One of these is the terracotta warriors. Discovered by a farmer in 1974, the warriors belonged to the first emperor of china, Qin Shi Huang and were made to guard the emperor in the after life. Every figure is different in some slight way. They are still being unearthed but it's estimated there could be more than 9,000 figures. We travelled to xian (The old capital) to see them. We got ourself an English guide called Lily who laughed a lot and tried to chat up Charlie. It's a pretty amazing sight when I finally get to see them. The warriors are not the only wonderous thing to happen that day. It's on this day in history, Carly Griffith learnt not to give a shit! I'm trying to take a picture of the warriors when a storm troop of Chinese tourists flood over and not only block my view but nearly knock my new expensive camera out of my hands. It was time not to get angry but to start playing the game. I start barging to the front! Don't give a shit! I knock people! I don't give a shit! I don't say sorry! I don't give a shit! I block people's view! Guess what? I don't give a shit! For an English person coming from a country that is so steeped in rules and manners, suddenly having no manners and not giving a shit is extremely liberating! For this I begin to really love the Chinese. They have liberated me! I take to it very well and for the rest of China I really don't give a shit! *Please note, I do realise I've used the word shit a lot in this blog post but as I'm not giving a shit about using the word shit, I don't give a shit! 

 

I don't know whether you have picked up by now, but Kyle is gay. Like a lot of gay men Kyle uses the app Grindr. For those of you that don't know what Grindr is, it's a social networking site for gay men to meet other gay men. They can chat, and meet for coffee or they can skip all that and get straight to the good bit, which I believe most of them do? Kyle was on Grindr through out his trip in China, mainly to check out what the guys were like over here. It appears he liked them a lot due to the fact he kept showing us photos of half naked Chinese guys usually in the middle of the restaurant, saying "Well people say Chinese guys are small, but Hell no! Look at him!" I would usually roll my eyes in response and look towards the heavens in hope of something!  It also appeared they liked him a lot too as being half Jamaican and half Irish, Kyle was seen as exotic and unusual, so had a few suitors chatting to him. As we journeyed to Beijing, things weren't as familiar to Charlie, as he didn't live there. When we were trying to figure out where to go or where best to eat Kyle would chip in with; "My friend says we should go here!" Or "My friend says you shouldn't go there at this time of year!" This friend or friends where Kyle's Grindr boys. It soon occurred to us that a man in need of some good times will do anything to please and make that happen, so we then starting asking, "Kyle ask your friend where is best to go for hot pot?" "Kyle what does your friend think of this place?" Etc. So here we have it my friends; a top travel tip! Forget about trip advisor! That's so last season. Get yourself on Grindr! This can easily be done! You don't have to be a gay male! All you have to do is think of a false profile. Mine would be something exotic like Pedro who likes to work out a lot (if you know what I mean)! Then up load a pumped up torso shot (faces don't matter much) maybe covered in some baby oil. Then most importantly find the biggest photo of a penis you can find and upload that (the bigger the better apparently)? Then Hey presto! You have yourself a Grindr profile and lots of horny men willing and ready to give you travel advice! 

   

 On our last full day together, we journeyed to the Great Wall of China. The wall is truly one of mankinds greatest feats (unlike the wall that stupid man with a face like a bad Wotsit is trying to build in America)! It was first started in the 7th century BC. When work had finished in 1644 the wall covered over 21,000kms. We hired a driver to take us on a 2 hour journey outside of Beijing to a section of the wall. Charlie had chosen this part of the wall carefully for us as it was quiet and remote, but also showed restored sections and ruined areas of the wall too. On the journey there it was quite obvious that Kyle hadn't had his nicotine and caffeine intake that was needed to make him human as he was grumpy as Hell. Not to help matters it was freezing outside. We arrived at the gate to start the walk. We open the car doors. It's like Siberia! I think we are going to die of hypothermia. We are stood freezing when a little Chinese lady comes shouting "coffee!" She beckons us to follow her. It's freezing, Kyle needs caffeine and I need something other than this! 10 minutes later we are cramped round a fan heater in her shop eating pot noodles, drinking tea and coffee and totally getting fleeced on the prices for them. We don't care we are warm. We start the walk. I'm now wearing a wool hat that says "Great Wall of China" on it (as I say she totally fleeced us)! I can't feel my face or my hands, but soon this doesn't matter because as soon as we ascend up onto the wall, the most over welming feeling takes over. I've travelled a lot and seen some amazing things but the Great Wall has to be one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen. The scale, the landscape. It takes your breath away. After being in cities with millions of people, cars, bikes and pollution (the pollution is off the scale in a China) for the last week, the remoteness of the Chinese mountains is an amazing treat. We all agreed at that moment we were lucky people to be here seeing this for how many people get this opportunity? I was even luckier to be sharing this moment with these two guys. This weird little friendship that had started in little warehouse in Hackney and now here we were all together again, the other side of the world, sat gazing out on the Great Wall of China. There have been some things recently that have made me question some of the friendships in my life on whether they are true friendships or not? I don't feel like this with Charlie and Kyle. They are like my brothers and I know they would do anything for me and me for them. This funny friendship that really shouldn't work but really truly does. 

 

The next day the boys left earlier for the airport. I had the day to myself to explore. It snowed heavily and I went and took photos of temples in the snow until I couldn't feel my hands and face anymore. Everything looked so beautiful in the snow, well until an army like work force of snow sweepers cleared it away in seconds and just piled it into dirty piles everywhere. Then it didn't look so beautiful! I eventually found a taxi to take me to the airport as when it snows no one wants to walk in Beijing, so taxis become like gold dust. I feel lucky to have found one, when I realise his driving is worse than the usual drivers in China (They are not great but I've had worse i.e. India)! I look down to see he has a half empty bottle of rice wine next to him. I point at it and wag my finger and shake my head at him. His response is to smile and laugh at it all. Yep! The Chinese truly don't give a shit!