The other year my friend Debbie thought about asking me, to work with her on a TV programme called Benidorm. She quickly retracted the offer with her saying; "Carly, you single, abroad, in the sun, in hotel with all the crew, is just going to be a complete nightmare!" I was very offended at first, but then I thought about it for a minute and knew she was completely right!
That said, she seemed to forget these factors very quickly this year, when she was desperate for someone to cover her supervising while she was on another job, as she asked me! Her reasoning was that I was doing most of the job prepping in London and only actually got 2 weeks in Spain, so I couldn't get up to much trouble in that time, could I? Hello! How long has she known me!
For my international followers, if you do not know what Benidorm is, it is a tourist destination for lots of British people in Spain, and they are usually the worst kind of Brits. Yes they are Brits a broad! Now let me put down in words the criteria for being a Brit aboard:
1. They are usually chav's (this is English slang for common people, that don't pronounce words right & have no class)!
2. They are mostly fat and overweight.
3. They usually have really bad sun burn. This is because they still haven't learnt that getting burnt doesn't actually give you a tan but skin cancer!
4. Owning to the above they are also thick or of little intelligence.
5. They usually have lots of bad tattoos or tramp stamps, as my sister likes to call them.
6. Their diet usually consists mainly of alcohol and fry ups, or anything they eat back in England, as foreign food is classed as something alien to them and maybe a little scary.
7. They spend 99% of the time drunk or hungover.
This is the criteria of Brits aboard, and it is actually this type of people that the show I'm working on is about. It's quite funny, as the Brits aboard love the show, even though it's taking the complete piss out of them. Everywhere the cast go, they get swamped with people wanting their photos and autographs. It's all very crazy.
After getting off the plane, checking into my hotel quickly it was straight to work. Our costume room and where we film is situated at another hotel down the road. Now I have a confession to make here. Me and my family had a family holiday years ago at the very hotel where Benidorm is filmed. I know, I can't believe a lady would admit to that. To be fair though, I have nothing but good memories of that holiday, but I was young and saw things with different eyes back then. A rosey tinted vision. I don't have those eyes anymore though. I now have the eyes of a 31 year old woman who has seen a lot and travelled the world. So I always knew that Benidorm was going to be a bit of a shock and it didn't disappoint in that aspect. As I walked to the entrance of the hotel of my childhood past, I was greeted by a fat chain smoking woman, covered in tatoos, with sunburn, sat in a mobility scooter. Now mobility scooters are all the rage in Benidorm, they even have tandem ones. This is not because there are loads of disabled people there, in fact there are probably none. No! It's because they are all too God dam lazy to walk, which I think was the case with this woman. Also with her was an equally over weight man, also smoking and covered in tattoo's. There was also a child playing with a ball beside them. The next thing the fat woman shouts at the child:
"Stacey stop playing with that f**cking ball and f**cking get back here"!
She then turns to the fat guy, who I presume to be her husband.
"Where are the rest of the f**cking kids"?
The fat guy replies, "I don't f**cking know! Probably in the f**cking pool where we left them you stupid bitch"!
The fat woman retorts, "Well you can go and f**cking find them, I'm off to get a drink. F**cking come on Stacey"! And with that she scooters off, dragging the child behind her; the man still sits there smoking and I'm just left standing there thinking I've arrived in my version of HELL!
During our 2 days of none stop work, unpacking costumes me and Delphine would sit and take our breaks on the balcony and watch the world go by. Delphine who is my designer is a amazing woman. She is intelligent, cultured, lived a life most full, has pink hair and is one of the nicest people ever. So you would think with all that I have said about her she would hate Benidorm. Not at all in fact she loves it! She has been filming Benidorm for 4 years and loves returning everytime. "Look " she said as we sat there on the balcony, "Where can you get people watching like this, anywhere else in the world. It's amazing"! I guess she is right, and after my initial shock of Benidorm, I decided to give it a chance. So it wasn't anywhere I would chose to go on holiday but there were many good things about this job, I thought:
1. I can walk to work in 5 minutes, something that I've never been able to do it the 10 years I have done this job.
2. I can go to work in a summer dress and flip flops.
3. I do the ironing on a balcony in the sun, instead of a freezing truck with no windows.
4. I can go for a swim in the outdoor pool after work and have a piña colada after a couple of lengths ( I know it kind of defeats the object of doing lengths)!
5. I can sit and have a drink after work, by the beach and watch the sun go down (There seems to be a lot of drinking involved in these pros if the job).
6. In the old town there is some amazing Spanish food.
7. The crew are lovely.
8. My hotel is nice.
9. Actually people a really friendly here, even when drunk!
10. I get to practice my bad Spanish.
As a lot of the crew and extras are Spanish, the little Spanish that I do know has come in useful. Though sometimes this becomes lost in translation and vice versa with the Spanish talking English. Take for example one of my conversations with one of the Spanish drivers. Rueben the driver, was having one of his flirty but nice chats with me again when he suddenly said,
"I love your breasts"!
I stood there speechless. It got worse as he then said:
"Each day they get lovelier and lovelier".
How rude I thought. Maybe this is how you talk to women in Spain but not me! I was just about to give him a piece of my mind, when I saw him touching my hem and realised he said dress in a heavy Spanish accent, not breasts. Oophs!
Another good thing is your days off. How many days do you get off and go to the beach. On my last day off me and the girls decided to spend the whole day on the beach. Instead of going to the main beach and being squashed like sardines in a tin, we decided to head to a little cove round the bay.
It was quiet, beautiful and away from the masses. It also appeared to be a nudist beach! Now I don't have a problem with the naked body, but It is a bit weird when your sat there reading and all you can see is a burnt bare bum or a penis flopping around as someone runs out the water. It is even stranger when a little old naked man who is old enough to be your grandad, is there, trying to help you put up your umbrella, while your trying very hard not to look at his wrinkly old penis, which is impossible as he just sits there talking to you with his legs spread wide apart. Not pleasant! Well if you can't beat them join them. So me and Nat decided to go topless which I'd forgotten how liberating it was. Don't worry I didn't go the full monty, imagine burning down there! All was going well until the camera boys decided to join us! You have never seen two girls but their tops on so fast. I believed we had got away with it and didn't have to go to work the next day with the whole camera department looking at us, thinking I've seen your breasts. That was until one of the camera guys told Make up he had a great zoom lens camera and got some great shots at the beach that day! Oh my God!
My time in Benidorm went quick. Too quick. In fact I had a great time there and I will go as far to say I will miss it. Benidorm may not be my heaven but you can always find the good in the bad.
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