FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: A TRULY HONEST REVIEW!

I've sank to a new low recently. I didn't think I could sink this low, but it just happened! I confess! I went out and purchased Fifty Shades of Grey!!!! For some one like me, who prides herself on her reading material, this is a grave sin indeed! You might think I sound arrogant or big headed, but I have never been a person that reads the usual chick flick tat that floods our shelves (Ok I read Grazia now and again but that's a magazine, so it doesn't count)! Give me D.B.C Pierre, Hilary Mantel, and Sebastian Faulks any day or a history chronicle, followed by a biography of a person that has made their mark on this world. Not bloody Jackie Collins or Jilly Cooper (though paragraphs from Riders is very good to read in a group when extremely drunk)! No! I read good stuff. I have never read rubbish!
Well that's not strictly true. I had a phase when I was a teenager, of reading a lot of Mills and Boom books given to me by my Nana Lil. Deep down inside,I knew they were trash, but I couldn't stop turning the pages. Why? Because they had sex in them! A 14 year old girl who is just discovering sex is like a sponge, she wants to know more; know everything of this new world that has been opened up to her, and books were the perfect way. I kept on reading more books (funnily most of them coming from Nana Lil), one of which was a little bit too eye opening and I had to go downstairs and tell my mother,
"Lil has given me this book and these two girls keep doing stuff to themselves with a hose pipe in it. Should I be reading this?"
I can't remember my mothers exact response, but it was probably somewhere between motherly shock and slight amusement, as she knew Lil was no normal grandmother.
It was around this time I had my first kiss. His name was Stew, but everyone called him "Pot head", which in reflection doesn't seem that great! But at the time he was cool, as he was older than me, being 18 and was in the sixth form and even though he didn't have a car, he could drive his mums so that was cool also (God 15 year olds are so easily pleased)! We were at my house, in my bedroom and we are sat on my bed. I'm pissed off with him because we had been sat downstairs for the last half an hour while Pot head has been talking none stop to my mum, even though I've asked him if he wants to go upstairs a hundred times but I'm ignored and left to watch Eastenders, while he continues chatting. I eventually get him up to my room, only for him to say,
"Your mum is lovely and really attractive!"
This is why I'm pissed off. By now he can tell this, as we he are sat on the bed in awkward silence. He grabs me and sticks his tounge down my throat; I can hear Eastenders and my brother and sister arguing downstairs; he tries to touch my breasts; I'm scared so slap his hands; and I'm doing this all eyes wide open wondering if he wishes it was my Mum he was kissing rather than me! This wasn't how it happened in the books! This is the thing! You slowly learn that the reality isn't quite like the books. There is no rich millionaire, dashing lord or exotic waiter called Fernando! No! They are usually are called Dave, Matt, or Andy and them whisking you away is probably a Curry night down at Weatherspoon's. Oh! and there usually isn't a happy ending. Yes! I have certainly learnt over the years, that the reality is never like the books. So why the hell did I find myself buying and reading some woman's fantasy novel, when I should know much better? I'm no 14 year old girl anymore.
Well I'm bored; I have no love life; it's meant to be naughty and quite frankly it being the biggest selling book ever, I want to know what the all the fuss is about. Oh God! I'm just like another million women out there!
I wish I'd never bothered, is the truth! So I'd heard it wasn't the best written book in the world, but was that a underestimate! It makes Jordan look like Charles Dickens. Actually a six year old could do better (is that the same as Jordan)? Honestly its the most badly written book I have ever read. It was off putting. Even though I realised this, after the first paragraph, I had to carry on. There had to be something to this book. Sexually naughty I was led to believe? Well maybe if your a sexually repressed middle aged woman who watches Loose Women, then this is the most exciting thing ever, if your not this reads as a bit more of sexed up Mills and Boom, but you get bored of it, as all they seem to do is have sex all the time (and I'd never thought id say that)! Oh but they have some kinky sex! What! He spanks hers! I bloody would do too. Anna the main character is so feeble and annoying I wanted to hit her, never mind him! And she keeps going on about her inner Goddess all the time. What the Hell is her inner Goddess, for me it was more like her inner moron!
As for Christian Grey, who is meant to be head of a muti-billion dollar empire, which I don't know how, as he spends most of his time walking round with his top off and stalking a girl in way that is not romantic, but freaky to the point that you would have a restraining order out on him. I tried. I Really did, but I didn't make it to the end. I think I have eighty pages left. I should want to know how it ends, but the truth is, I really couldn't give a dam. He can keep on being creepy, she can keep on talking about her inner Goddess and he can spank her till his hearts content! It's boring, stupid and about as sexually exciting as watching an episode of the antiques Road Show!
From now on I'll stick to Michael Fassbender movies and University Challenge for my excitement! Actually I'm definitely not like a million other women out there. Ha ha!

IT

"To have "It", the fortunate possessor must have a strange magnetism which attracts both sexes. He or she must be entirely unselfconscious and full of self confidence, indifferent to the effect he or she is producing, and uninfluenced by others. There must be physical attraction, but beauty is unnecessary.

Elinor Glyn

A couple of weeks ago Howard received a phone call from Miranda, Sir Gareth's sister. Yes! She has a title too. It's Lady Miranda, and she is a real Lady because some stupid ancient law means that she can cross her sheep across London bridge anytime she wants, or something like that? It's a stupid law anyway. I don't even think she has any sheep to bloody start with? Sorry, Im getting sidetracked. Back to the story. So Miranda, I mean Lady Miranda, wanted Howard to go and retrieve some box from the house and bring it back to London with him. The next morning, Howard came out of the house carrying a huge metal case, looking like he was going to have a heart attack! He shoved it into the boot of my car a little breathless.
"well, I can't take that whole thing back with me to London! It will kill me! It weighs a tonne! I looked down at the case. Scrawled on top in red chalk was "E GLYN." I knew instantly who the case and it's contents belonged too.

Elinor Glyn, maybe a lost name to many these days, but she made her mark in history and coined the phenomenon of "It" which seems to play a major part in 21st century culture. What do I mean, you ask? Well every time you turn on the TV these days and see a talent show and some judge goes,
"You just don't have it";
When you see the newest face of fashion that has "It"; and you read a magazine with the latest star of the screen with that "It" quality. If you think about it, X factor is just another way of describing "It!" So yes! Now, you all know what Elinor Glyn has contributed to society. Oh! So why does the house I'm staying in contain a case of Miss Glyns belongings? Well she only happens to be Gareth and Miranda's great grandmother!

Let me give you a quick history on the amazing life of Elinor Glyn.
OK, she was born in Jersey on the Channel Islands, in 1864 to Douglas and Elinor Sutherland. Her older sister was Lucy Duff Gordon, otherwise known as "Lucile" one of the most successful fashion designers of her day. Lucy was also one of the most famous passengers on that ship you might of heard of: The Titantic! You will be glad to know she was one of the survivors!
Elinor married Louis Clayton Glyn at the grand old age of 28 (which was pretty much ancient in those days!) popped out two daughters and started writing racy novels, (she was like the fifty shades of her day) to keep her in the living she was accustomed to, because her husband was a bit shit and not good with money. This also probably explains why she had lots of affairs which caused a lot of scandal, but helped inspire her more with her novels. Later in life she went to Hollywood to write for the movies and helped the careers of Valentino and Gloria Swanson, but her biggest star in Hollywood was Clara Bow who she chose as having "It" for her film and making her the first ever "It Girl" and probably the best one as well. Not like those shit ones we have these days called Lady stuff, toff, Palmer something or another, who are only famous because there mummy and daddy are really rich, not because they have an inch of talent, never mind "It"! Anyway Elinor mixed with the greats of her day and died happily in London in 1943. Da Da! The end.

Howard explained that Miranda, wanted the case taking back to London, because some writer had sort her out and wanted to write a book on Elinor and was after as much information as possible. Apparently there are 30 or more cases like this, full of her belongings gathering dust somewhere in some old universities vaults. There would have been more I am later told, but Elinors son was said not to like his mother very much, so destroyed a lot of her stuff. I'm not sure how true this is as she never had a son, so that puts a slight flaw in this story!
The case is sat on the costume truck, amongst are everyday workings, when Howard decides to empty its contents into something lighter to take it to London. Me and Lauren can't resist looking and before we know it, we are lost amongst letters, photos and postcards of the past, of which the case is full of. I become entranced with reading Elinor's letters, some to Grandmother which she draws pictures of how she styles her hair in the modern day fashions and how her mother hates it. Every fragile letter I read, I was quite aware I was holding a piece of history in my hand. I could of stay there forever reading those letters.

Elinor's presence is quite abundant in the house. There are pictures of her everywhere from oil paintings to photos. There is red sketch of her that hangs above my bed and looks down on me when I'm sleeping. The more I get to know of Elinor the more I like of her. She wasn't conventional and went against form. She lived life to the full. I look at her picture with her knowing eyes and think I would of liked to have known her. I think we might of got on? Besides she really liked cats as well, so we probably would have been like best friends?

SUGAR MAN

I was driving in the car the other week, when a song came on the radio.  I instantly fell in love with it and did my usual routine of shazaming the the tune, so I could find out its origins.  It came up as Sugar man by an artist called Rodriguez.  I had never heard of him before.  I went to down load his album when I realized it was called "Searching for Sugar Man: Original music from the motion picture." There's a movie I thought?  My detective work, then took me  You Tube, where I typed in "Searching for Sugarman" and this is what came up:

I have to go and see this film, I told myself.  I posted one of his songs on Face book.  My friend Kym left a comment, staying that she loved this guy and it reminded her of her youth, back in OZ where everyone would get stoned to his music.  I told her I'd never heard of him before. She said we had to go and see the film together, and a week later when I was back in London that's exactly what we did.
There are not a lot of good films to see these days I think.  They are ruined with visual effects, tired old stories, and little substance, that leave you with little belief and you come out the cinema feeling cheated or depressed.  Not this time.  I haven't seen a film in a long time that made me feel this good.  Its an amazing story, that I bet would uplift anyone that sees it.  I will never know why his albums were never a success, for me he is better than Dylan, who is now seen as a God in so many peoples eyes.  But maybe that is part of Rodriguez's charm, he is not a God but an ordinary man, who worked hard all his life, with none of the fine trappings that stardom brings.  It is this that makes his songs more real, and for me, more beautiful.  His album without a doubt has found a place in my heart in such a short time and I believe it will remain there forever as one of my favourites.

So I wanted to choose for you my favourite Rodriguez song, but it was impossible for me, because I love so many, so here are my top 3 instead.

SUGAR MAN


SANDREVAN LULLABY


A MOST DISGUSTING SONG
A Most Disgusting Song

ANYONE FOR A DIP?

It's a Sunday. It's my only day off work and amazingly, I'm not hungover. Today will be the day, I tell myself. Today will be the day I go and see something of Wales! You see all I've really seen is a costume truck; retail parks; pubs and Jamie's Italian! I was feeling the need to get into the countryside and I'd heard so much about Wales great beaches, I felt the need to go by the sea. I decide on the Gower, as it's meant to be the best.
I drag Lauren along too, as she has expressed an interest in seeing some nature and that's good enough for me. Kat decides to stay home as she tells me she is in hermit mode at the moment which makes her anti social (She should come out of it in a couple of weeks)?
The sun is shining as we leave and we know this was the right decision. Then half way through the drive, the sun disappears through the clouds, the temperature drops and it starts to spit with rain. No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is not meant to happen! This is my perfect day by the sea in Wales! Well maybe it will pass?

We arrive at three cliffs bay and stand on the beach facing the sea. The weather hasn't passed; it's still cloudy, windy and cold. The sea looks rough, but the bay is still beautiful. Sod it I think, I'm here and I want to do this no matter what the weather. I'm going for a swim! Luckily Lauren is just as game as me and before we know it, we are stripping down to our bikinis and running towards the waves, much to the shock of the passerbys walking on the beach. I hit the sea. It's bloody freezing! Mind over matter I tell myself. I'm reminded of my childhood when I would rush into the same cold Irish sea of Blackpool and Southport even though everyone would say it was too cold. After a bit I don't feel the cold anymore and it becomes quite pleasant, fun even. Me and Lauren are splashing around like children. I've swam in some of the most exotic, beautiful seas in the world, but this was up there with them all. Why? Because it was my country, my coastline, my cold old island and I was swimming in my sea. Refreshing wasn't the word.
I didn't wash the salt water from my hair that night, but let it form salty ringlets in my hair. I wanted to keep the sea with me. I had my day in Wales finally.

MR & MRS WEST (NOT FRED & ROSEMARY BEFORE YOU START)!

You know who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan.  A couple of years ago I went through a horrible break up.  We lived together and it was that terrible situation where one of you has to go.  As I believed he was in the wrong, I told him that he had to move out.  The problem was until he found some where else to go, the thought of staying under the same roof as him seemed impossible to me.  I rang my friend Ali, as I knew she had a spare room.
"Ali can I stay with you, I don't know where to go", I remember saying tearfully down the phone.  She welcomed me with open arms and took me on for two weeks, though I can hardly say I was a barrel of laughs and was constantly in tears.  It didn't matter, she looked after me all the same; cooked me food; poured me wine and listened to me spill my heart out.  I have always remembered this and how she was there for me when it counted.

Not long after, Ali & me went on a trip to Paris.  I needed cheering up, and she had never been.  We spent most days walking, seeing the sights, drinking and eating too much and staring a Chanel bags that we couldn't afford.  It cheered me up no end, but I wasn't the only one that needed cheering up.  Ali was down in the dumps too.  She had been trying Internet dating and had the misfortune to come across a precession of idiots.  She wanted to give it up; it wasn't working for her, but  She had received an email from a guy on the site.  His name was Kevin.  She was unsure of whether to give him a chance.  It was decided that she would try one last time, and thank God she did, because here I am at the final wedding of this years trio.  Their wedding!  It was right with them from the beginning.  There was no trauma, or the complications, that we come to expect these days from modern relationships.  It has always seemed easy and they are happy.  I think a lot of us, these days have forgotten that a relationship can be just that; easy and happy, but when it is right, it is always that way.

The wedding itself was just as quirky as them (They have a bizarre, mental sense of humor, which I love): Elevator music during the signing of the register; scrabble place names; Fizz Wizz sweets for dessert; Wellies as foot wear; and Kevin wearing a T-shirt with "Game over" written on it.  Too much wine; lots of dancing; Claire doing the splits by accident and a hall party in our B&B with Debbie passed out on the floor to finish the night! Perfect!

For Mr & Mrs West. xxx

DRESS UP!

I just had to post this picture. Me and Lauren my trainee where trying to sort through the endless amounts of Victorian costumes we had to return, at work. It was all getting a bit much, when I said to Lauren:
"Have you ever dressed up in one of the costumes?"
"No."
"Would you like to dress up in one?"
"Yeah!"
So that's what we did. We were like kids with a dressing up box, but the difference was these clothes were the finest a girl could get for dressing up. It broke up the day and made me laugh. I will have to do it more often.

HAUNTED!

I have just finished two weeks of night shoots, most of which of consisted of overnight stays in the Brecons. While most of the crew were scattered around the area in cosy little hotels, our department got put up in the actually place we were filming, which was not a nice cosy hotel, but a big sprawling Victorian mansion, which also happened to be apparently haunted!

Now I'm not sure whether I believe in ghosts, but this place was spooky. Luckily I wasn't the most scared person there. My trainee, Lauren was absolutely petrified, which was made worse my people jumping out on her and making her scream. It also happened that she had the strangest room as well, which consisted of twin beds, a cot in the middle, the scariest family portrait over looking them and a sink in a wardrobe that looked liked it had been used by serial killers!
"I'm not sleeping in here" she said, "Carly can I sleep in with you?"
Well I could hardly refuse could I? So I did the honourable thing and let her. Besides if I'm truthful I was scared now too!
On are first night there Kat insisted on us scaring the assistant directors who were also staying there. So here I am lay on my stomach, under a bed, with two other girls, in the pitch black dark at 4.00am at 32 years of age waiting to jump out on some one. What the hell! We waited there for bloody 20 minutes, till they got back. Scared the crap out of them, so it was worth it?

My room became the party room and everyone gathered with their drinks. Andy our truck driver turned up unannounced on the doorstep saying he wanted a shower (I told you he was insane)! He settled in for the night with us, with a six pack of Orangeboom! We sat drinking and talking till the sun rose and we couldn't keep are eyes open anymore. In fact I had one of the best nights sleep ever. So no ghosts you ask? No, apart from an mysterious wet glass mark that kept reappearing in the in the same place, but no one had put anything there. The next day the lady of the house showed us a portrait of the suspected ghost, and as I looked closely I saw something. He was holding a glass!

CARDIFF: AN UPDATE!

Still in Cardiff; just! Had a bit of altercation with the director over an actors under wear, which when you put it like that seems rather stupid, but to be fair the whole industry I work in, is rather stupid too. Anyway at the time the underwear altercation seemed all quite terrible and I threatened to resign, until Howard calmed me down, and the rest of my department blackmailed me with the fact they would resign too, if I left, and I don't want to add to unemployment in this country. Besides I'm well over the half way point on this job, and I will see it through to the God dam end even if it kills me? I've got the biggest itchy feet at the moment. All I want to do is grab my backpack and go on an adventure. I have to keep telling myself that by the time I finish this job, I will have enough money saved to go travelling for a long time. I'm already planning routes!

So what have I been up to you ask? Well apart from work, there is not a lot to do in Cardiff apart from getting wet, cold or drunk, but I have found things to do, even if they are well, a bit sad to normal people. Hey! It passes the time OK!

We go to Jamie's Italian ALOT! It's become a bit of addiction. It's usually me and Kat (as we have turned into a couple), but we have now started getting the rest of the crew, even our new leading lady involved too. This maybe due to the fact, that if we try and get everyone else so addicted, we don't feel as bad? We are quite bad though, due to the fact the highlight to one of our weeks, was thay we found out that Jamie's had a new menu! Me and Kat headed down there at our first opportunity to try it out! I feel we may have to go to rehab to sort out this addiction!

OK! I have to admit it! Something terrible has happened. Something that I never thought would happen! I brought a ONESIE!!!!!!!!!!!! Look I had my reasons! I'm living in a big old house and I get cold! I also have no love life what's so ever, and I'm living with Kat and Sir Gareth, so me needing any sex appeal has gone right out the window. Basically it's all gone down hill for me, but that's OK because the onesie is not only warm but comfortable! In fact, I love my Onesie and now couldn't be without it! I have now taken to doing catalogue poses by the log fire, and holding a vino. Oh! And just so you know I'm quite good at building the old log fire now as well. Eat your heart out Ray mears! No actually can we make that Bear Grylls as he's much hotter!

As mentioned Sir Gareth is still around. He pops in a couple of nights a week in between his jaunts from London, Nottingham and funnily enough Warrington, which he thinks is "Ghastly"! I told him I was from there. He tried to revert. I told him it's too late, he's already dug his own grave! I like having Gareth around. I find him funny. He tells crazy stories; asks us if we are watching anything on the TV, which we are, but puts News night on anyway; and shows me stains on the carpet, which he thinks are new and asks me do I know anything about them, which I find odd as the carpet is already thread bare with a million holes in it and looks like it hasn't been changed in centuries! I have become so relaxed around Sir Gareth, that the other week I didn't realise I was parading around the house in a T-shirt that said "Best blow in Town" that my friend Debs gave to me from the show Benidorm, that one of the actors wore. I now use it as nightwear. First Tesco rotisserie Chicken and now rude T-shirts! This is no way to behave in front of a lord!

It's actually quite lonely my job. I spend a huge amount of time on my own on the truck while everyone else is on set. Most of the time my only company is Andy my truck driver. Through this Andy has become a good friend and I totally adore him. He is also completely insane, but in the funniest way. Me and the girls agree, that we have never met anyone quite like him. He is a prime candidate for a fly on the wall documentary. It's a bit like looking after a child, being with Andy, though to be fair he does his fair share of looking after me. He also likes to do jobs within the department, so I keep him busy with sewing, cleaning shoes and washing the windows. He calls me Miss whip lash! I tell him to shut up and get on with it or else! In exchange for his service, I have to give Andy advice on life, mostly about women, which doesn't seem to be going too well as he has just left his wife of 17 years and mother of his two children! He also had the date he left her, tattooed on his forearm below the tattoo of the day they married! I said that it was a little bit drastic, what if he got back with her? He says he isn't, it far too expensive to get the tattoo removed!

And finally me and Kat have come up with our bands name, well that is if we ever decide to form a band? I want to be the lead singer and she wants to be a cool drummer like Meg White! Anyway, the band will be called: Nonna and the Mitchell's!
Why, you ask. Well, Kats Nonna, which is Italian for grandmother (Kat is half Italian), has got herself three new cats, but seems to have decided to call three of them Mitchell which might get a little bit confusing. Though I doubt it will now, as the Mitchell's are all probably dead, due to the fact Nonna went to Italy for two weeks and locked them in the house, and just left them food and water out in bowls! Either there dead or she is going to have one big shit stained carpet! I have asked Kat to ask to get an update on the Mitchells but she said she is to scared of the outcome!