TAMIL NADU: DOWN SOUTH

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF SOUTH INDIA:

* It's hot!

* The women wear the most amazing flowers in their hair.

* The man all seem to have the biggest Porno moustaches ever!

* People seem to be fatter, especially the women.

* All the actors are very.... well? Unattractive! As they all seem to be middle aged, plump men with Porno moustaches. All the politicians look like this too, but they like to mix up by wearing different aviator sunglasses in their campaign posters. In fact if I think about it, I'm not sure whether the actors and the politicians are the same people, because every man on every bill board in Tamil Nadu, looks like this same man I described!

* The writing is all swirly looking.

* It's really Dam hot!

*NB: Please note that if you were expecting something of more genius from these comments go and watch a Brian Cox programme or read Steven Fry on Twitter. This is Lady Warrington and these were really my first impressions of the south, even if they are stupid!

Me and Lauren caught a flight to Chennai. As soon as we walked off the plane the heat hit us. We checked ourselves into a four star hotel as a treat and got a little over excited. You see, air con, hot showers, clean bedding and toilet paper seem like such a treat these days. We even went a little further by ordering room service, which went a little wrong as the guy couldn't understand what we were saying, so we had to show him, which kind of defeats the object of room service. When the food eventually arrived we sat happily in bed while watching Bruce Lee's "Enter the Dragon", which Lauren had never seen before and I told her, she hadn't lived without seeing it, as its a classic. Unfortunately Lauren didn't seem to agree with me and thought it was dated and naff! Some people have no taste!

The French don't like the English. The English don't like the French. It's been going on for years. They invaded us in 1066. We invaded them for a while in the Middle Ages and then when we got bored of invading each other we started fighting over other countries to invade. It became like a big board game of Monopoly, with each of them trying to out do each other. First there was North America, with the colony's, Canada and the Caribbean islands. Then Africa. Then south east Asia and then India! Yes India! Many of you may not know, that France and England fought over India for a century, with at one point the French holding the upper hand by taking Madras in 1746, but the English took back the advantage, and by 1750 the French never again had a strong hold on India. They did retain one little part of India though: Pondicherry! I heard good things about this little part of France in India, so me and Lauren decided to stop off there to break up our journey to go further south.

We arrived at our guest house which had the most annoying machine ever, that played a constant Hindu chant 24/7. Our guest house guy was quite different. I say this because he was as camp as Hell and a raging screaming queen.
"Do you think he's figured out he's gay yet?" Said Lauren.
"Oh yes!" I replied "It's just whether his parents have yet, because that arranged marriage they are planning, I hope there not expecting any grand kids!"
The French always like to stamp their mark on a place and it was no different in Pondicherry. As we walked around, the white washed houses, and cobbled, shady boulevards it looked liked we could be in the south of France. Tiled signs saying "Rue"; European style scooters; and posh shops all added to the Gallic flavour of the place, but the best things were the restaurants. The French are know for good food, and Pondicherry did not disappoint. We found ourselves a restaurant and settled in for the night. The food was probably some of the best we had, had in India. We savoured in it. The restaurant started to fill and in no time it was full. I realised that apart from us everyone was French, and funnily enough a lot of French lesbians. This was of no surprise. I have always found on my travels, the French have extreme pride in the places that they have colonised in history and swarm to them. The British on the other hand don't give a shit as long as they can sunbathe; get alcohol; and watch Premiere league football live!
We left Pondicherry the next day after getting directions to the bus station from camp guest house guy and making a stop at the French bakery for the best almond croissants ever. I wished we had, had the time to stay longer. I loved you Pondicherry.

The state of Tamil Nadu is home to one of humanity's last living classical civilisations. While the Greeks and the Persian eras are long gone, the culture of the people of Tamil Nadu, in many ways has not changed since those times many centuries ago. Me and Lauren decided to venture to Madurai to the spiritual heart of Tamil Nadu to see the famous temple Sri Meenakshi (The temple of the fish-eyed Goddess)! It is considered to be the best example of southern Indian architecture with its towers, the tallest of which towers 52m over Madurai. After swapping buses and being hot and squashed travelling all day, we arrived at our long awaited destination and caught our first glimpse of the temple. It was dark but the highest tower could be seen as it was covered in bad LED lights that made it look like a huge Christmas tree.
"It looks like bloody Blackpool!" I said to Lauren. It was hardly the grand first impression I was expecting.

Madurai is not that touristy. I like that, in fact I love that! There is only one problem with it. There aren't that many decent places to stay. The best of a bad bunch our hotel was situated right next to the temple, which was a good point. Well in fact that was its only good point. The room looked like it had last been cleaned a century ago. I tried to remain positive.
"Well at least the sheets are sort of clean" I say looking at a stain on them. Lauren didn't look convinced. The bathroom has its problems too. The floor is wet. That's OK as most bathrooms in India are, as they are wet rooms with the shower combined. Lauren soon realises though the source of the water is not what we thought it was.
"OMG!" She says opening the bathroom door looking repulsed. "The toilet is leaking! Every time we flush it, it's leaking all the water on the floor."
I went to inspect. She was right. Goddam it!
As we went to bed praying to God, that we would not catch bed bugs during the night, Lauren was having trouble working the fan. She opened the door and messed with some switches out side. The next thing I know some little old India man dressed in khaki comes storming into the room, messes with some switches by the table, and the fan starts turning, not like he's interested in that. His main concern is coming over to me and shaking my hand so much it's hurts, while having a good old stare at me while I lie half naked in bed.
"Nice meet you. You want tea, coffee?" He says with the biggest grin on his face.
Lauren quickly ushers him out with a "Thank you for your help" while I just sit there a bit in shock! "Who the Hell was that!"

I think it started at 6am or maybe 6.30am. I can't really say I was half a sleep like most people in hotels at that time. It was the sound of a door bell. Our door bell in fact. I chose to ignore it and turned over and went back to sleep. Half an hour later it rang again, and then another half hour after that, and yes! Another half an hour after that one too! It went on until around 8.30am when Lauren gave in and decided to answer the door. It was the same little India man dressed in khaki from the night before.
"Tea, coffee?" He says
"No thank you" says Lauren politely, " we are OK." She shuts the door.
Another half an hour later the door bell rings again.
"You have to be joking me!" I think. We ignore it. We have showers; we get dressed and still that bloody door bell rings.
"Seriously! What does he not get about no tea and coffee. It's not hard! I don't even like tea and coffee!" I rant. Lauren points out that he might just want to have another look at a half naked western woman again.
We manage to sneak out without being accosted by tea and coffee man, which was surprising as I thought he'd set up camp outside our door. After finally finding somewhere that served breakfast that didn't look like it would kill us, we made our way to the temple. It was prettier in the day, without all the flashing Vegas lights.

Like the Golden Temple in Amritsar we had to remove our shoes, but this was where the similarities ended. This time foreigners had to pay to enter the temple. Inside was a maze of dark stone corridors that seemed such a contrast to the brightness of outside. Most of the temple was forbidden to us as well, as non-Hindus. Me and Lauren sat down to take a break from the heat. We both felt disappointed. Amritsar and Sikhism had been so welcoming, and even though we were outsiders they never made us feel like that. Here we were definitely the aliens again. This is part of travel though. There are the highs of places that far out weigh expectation and there are the disappointments of the things that did not fulfil what you were looking for. You have to find these things out for yourself though. Madurai had not been what we thought it would be, but it was not a wasted journey. I believe no journey is a wasted one, even the bad ones. Hey, for me it was worth it for tea and coffee man alone!
Next stop Kerala.