JODPHUR: BONKERS

Why do I love India so much? Good question. I could say its the food; the beautiful fabrics; or the amazing buildings; all of which I do love, but I believe a country is nothing without its people, so it's the people I love the most about India. Yes, there are way too many of them; some of them just want to rip you off; and others just one to make you bang your head against a wall; a very hard wall! What I really love about the Indian people is the fact they are bonkers! Completely bonkers! And has you know I love crazy people.

EXAMPLES OF WHY INDIANS ARE BONKERS!

* DRIVING
As me and Lauren made our way to the bus station to catch our bus to Jodphur in the early hours of the morning, in an auto rickshaw, something became quite apparent to me. It was still bitch black, but there was no light lighting the way from our vehicle.
"Lauren, I don't think this guy has any lights on this vehicle, that work."
Lauren quickly agreed. To make matters worse, it also seemed that he didn't have a working horn too, which was actually more serious, as the way to drive in India is to beep your God dam horn. Thats all they do! So we were completely invisible in the dark to any on coming traffic. It was a bit like watching one of those driving computer games, where you think your probably going to crash any minute and die, but this being real life the crashing and dying bit would be a lot more painful and final. By some pure miracle we made it to the bus stop in one piece. Not for long though, as there is always another bonkers journey awaiting you in India. Our driver from the bus station in Jodphur decided to go the wrong direction down a one way street, facing on coming traffic, so he could take a short cut!!!!! This is actually an everyday occurrence in India.

BUSES
* Me and Lauren hadn't been on a bus since the pukesville episode from Amritsar and I was feeling a bit nervous. Luckily this time no puking! As we got on at the first stop this meant we got a seat. This is not the case for everyone our 7 hour bus journey. As the bus starts to fill up, space becomes less and less and people are crammed in and start sitting on the floor. They also start to sit on my seat, unannounced! Well the arm of my seat anyway, as a Rajasthani woman does and sits there staring at me for the next hour. This happened to me with a man when I was traveling on my own in India, though he went a bit further and decided to actually sit on me and cop a feel at the same time. It took 2 Aussie guys to pull him off me which was quite good going as he was about 100. Another time I got passed a woman's 6 month old baby as it was getting crushed. I sat with it on my lap for an hour, thinking OMG! I hope it doesn't dirty itself!

* QUEUING
Our bus makes the one stop for a break. This means everyone rushes to the toilet at once. Now being English, I like to queue. In fact the English are very anal about queuing. It's just a shame the rest of the world isn't, especially India! Me and Lauren are at the front of the queue when a Indian woman and her daughter jostle up. They start up the usual conversation that most Indians do with us:
"Which country?"
"Your names?"
"First time India?"
"Like India?"
The toilet door opens and before I know it, there off in front of us. She is just about to shut the door, when she comes back out and passes me her handbag.
"Please hold!" And shuffles back into the toilet shutting the door on me!
So not only has she pushed in front of me. I'm holding her God Dam hand bag as well. Total bitch!
Indians railways get very busy. In fact it's the busiest rail network in the world transporting 20 million people a day. It is especially busy at the moment due to the fact it's the Kumbh Mela. The Kumbh Mela a Hindu religious festival and is the biggest human gathering on earth. It happens 3 times every 12 years. This gathering at the moment is a very special one due to the alinement of the moon or something like that. It's predicted that 80 million people will attend. This means there are a lot of people trying to get to one place at once and us being in and around the area it's happening, has made getting train tickets impossible. That's until we discovered Tactal! Tactal is where an emergency quota of extra tickets come out the day before the train you want leaves.They come on sale at 10.00am and to have any hope of getting any you have to get there before then. At Jodphur station we were met with a huge crowd already at 9.30am. Luckily most of them were men and women had their own separate queue (For once its good to be a woman in India). This queue was also allowed to contain senior citizens; foreigners (that's us) and funnily enough freedom fighters. I'm not sure how you classify a freedom fighter, maybe they have their own ID cards with freedom fighters on them? All that said it was still a bit like fight club (women can be just as aggressive as men) as people jostled and pushed trying to get served next. Lauren was just about near the front when some old Indian guy turned to her and said:'
"You are not a senior citizen!"
What! What's he on? I really wasn't in the mood for this and retorted back:
"I don't think we look Indian do we? Look its says foreign tourists too (actually foreign was spelt forign) and think I classify as a lady (open to debate)! That shut him up. We finally got to the front and triumphantly got our tickets Indian style.

* DEVINDA
After finding our first choice guesthouse in Jodphur full, we found ourselves at Yogi's, a 500 year old Haveli (courtyard house). It was painted the traditional blue of Jodphur (Jodphur is known as the blue city) and as we entered the place, it was filled with old Indian bric-a-brac and strangely Elvis pictures? We loved it. We entered the reception area, but the place seemed to be deserted.
"Hello is there anyone there?"
"Yeeeessssssss!" came a voice from nowhere, and then suddenly a lanky skinny boy appeared from around the corner. He had thick Mick Jagger type lips; slightly bucked teeth; and seemed to look a bit stoned.
"Do you have any rooms?" I enquired.
"Yes, many rooms. You see, follow me" and as he finished the sentence in did a big burp!
We followed him up the stairs as he dragged his socks and Sandalled feet, to the first room. He flung open the door.
"Descent room" he moves to the bathroom door and flings it open. "Descent bathroom". He moves to another door and flings it open. "Descent balcony!" He says it all in the most monotone, bored fashion.
"Come next room I show" and we follow him again, for the same process.
"Room 2. Descent room; descent bathroom; descent balcony; descent TV!" He smiles as he says this as to show the upgrade of this room.
"Very nice" I say.
"No, another room" and he's off to the next one.
"Room 3. Descent room; descent bathroom; descent TV and......." And smiles again as he throws open the doors of "Descent view" which is a balcony over looking the fort.
"Very nice, but we will take the cheapest one. The first room" I say.
He looks disappointed.
"You don't want descent room; descent TV; descent view?"
"No. Just descent room; descent bathroom; descent balcony" I reply.
"No descent TV?"
"No. We don't need a TV. We don't watch it."
He seems confused by this but gives in.
"OK. Here key. Do check in and passports later" (We never did check in) and with that he shuffles off down the corridor doing another huge burp! This is our introduction to Devinda.
Later I'm in reception trying to sort out our next step. I see Devinda.
"Can I book train tickets here" I asked.
"Yeeeesss."
Then he just stands there and looks at me. This goes on for quite a while. I'm confused.
"Well can I book them then?"
"Yeeeessss."
He just stands there again. For Gods sake I think!
"As I said. Can I book them?"
"You need big boss to book" he replies. What is this? The mafia (actually Lauren did think our guesthouse was run by the India Mafia, due one guy saying "If anyone messes with you, just say your staying at Yogi's)!
"OK! Where is big boss then."
"Big boss not here."
"When is big boss back."
"Don't know."
I think I'm going to scream, but then:
"I ring big boss" says Devinder.
He picks up the phone and has a conversation for a bit in Hindi and puts the phone down.
"So what did big boss say?" I ask.
"He will ring back in a bit. Stay here. Wait" and with that he walks away saying "When ring. Pick phone up." I'm just left there staring at a phone, thinking, what am I? The receptionist now?
The next day I'm trying to send some emails and Skype but the the Wi-Fi only seems to work in reception. I go down to find Devinder sat watching India's version of MTV.
"What you do" he says.
"I'm trying to Skype my brother" I reply.
"Oh! You give me your phone number. You ring me."
"Why?" I reply
"In England. You ring me" he then comes and sits right next to me. Oh God! Devinda is trying to chat me up! He only looks sixteen.
"It's very expensive Devinder and I don't think my boyfriend would like me ringing other men" I say quickly making up an imaginary boyfriend.
"You have boyfriend?" He says sadly.
"Yes"!
He gets over his disappointment quickly and tells me he is from Nepal; his favourite Bollywood stars and how many rupees his jumper cost. He is interrupted by the screaming of his name.
"Big boss! I have to clean. I hate cleaning" and off he goes.
Later that night as we go to get the train, Devinda is there.
"You check out" he says.
"We never checked in remember?"
He laughs in response. He then follows us out into the street.
"Are you going out then?" I ask
"No. I'm going out."
Isn't that what I just said, I think to myself confused. He then turns to me and says a verse that sounds like some poetry in English and then walks off down the alley way into the night.
"What did he just say to you?" Asks Lauren.
"I haven't got a bloody clue!" I reply.

* SERVICE
The guest house in Jodphur has a roof top restaurant. Me and Lauren are ravenous after being on a bus all day and not eating much. We get the waiter over. He flings down the menu and a pen and paper and says
"You write" and then burps (What is it with all the burping!) and then leaves. Great! We have a burping waiter, who doesn't even take the order.
We wait, and then we wait, and then we wait some more, but no food arrives. We are starving and have been waiting well over an hour, while the burping waiter is just sat doing nothing. Lauren calls him over.
"Hi" she says " I'm just wondering where our food is? As we have been waiting over an hour!"
"Sorry Madam but the kitchen is very busy tonight."
I look around. The restaurant is spartan with a few customers, who are all not eating. What the Hell!
"There is nobody eating! Is it just me but can you see anybody eating!"
It's too late, burping waiter has already gone and only the Germans at the table next to us hear my outburst and start to laugh.
The food eventually arrives which is good as I was going to start to eat my hand or the Germans!
I would like to say the service got better, but that would be a lie. Not only did we have to write our own order, we had to go and give it to burping waiter. I may as well cooked it myself too, it would have been a darn sight quicker. Burping waiter did not get any tips from me before you ask!
Next stop Agra.